Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Retired Ice Rink Manager Recalls Days Of Horse-Led Zambonis

ST. PAUL, MN—Fondly describing the throngs of children that would gather at the edge of the rink to watch the majestic animals smooth the ice, retired hockey rink manager Richard Erickson recalled Friday the early days of horse-led Zambonis. “When I first started working here, every one of our Zambonis needed a two-horse team to pull it across the ice,” said Erickson, who recounted the process of strapping the horses to the 400-pound coal-fired ice resurfacer that required a three-man buggy whip team to steer and operate before games and during intermissions. “Some of my favorite memories are the mornings I would get to the rink stables early to feed Coconut and Mary Lou before throwing on their leather Zamboni harness and taking them out to freshen up the ice. They would spend almost half an hour pulling that Zamboni in circles around the rink, and they just loved it when people would lean over the glass and feed them apples. Those really were the days.” Erickson did add that he didn’t miss the difficult and often dangerous task each morning of fitting the horses with skates.

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