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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Retired Ice Rink Manager Recalls Days Of Horse-Led Zambonis

ST. PAUL, MN—Fondly describing the throngs of children that would gather at the edge of the rink to watch the majestic animals smooth the ice, retired hockey rink manager Richard Erickson recalled Friday the early days of horse-led Zambonis. “When I first started working here, every one of our Zambonis needed a two-horse team to pull it across the ice,” said Erickson, who recounted the process of strapping the horses to the 400-pound coal-fired ice resurfacer that required a three-man buggy whip team to steer and operate before games and during intermissions. “Some of my favorite memories are the mornings I would get to the rink stables early to feed Coconut and Mary Lou before throwing on their leather Zamboni harness and taking them out to freshen up the ice. They would spend almost half an hour pulling that Zamboni in circles around the rink, and they just loved it when people would lean over the glass and feed them apples. Those really were the days.” Erickson did add that he didn’t miss the difficult and often dangerous task each morning of fitting the horses with skates.

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