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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Retired Kurt Warner Dropping By Cardinals Training Camp Periodically To Make Sure Team Still Using Clean Language

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Reports out of Arizona Cardinals training camp confirmed that for the third time this preseason—and the 33rd time since he retired in 2010—former starting quarterback Kurt Warner dropped by practice to see his former teammates and make sure they were still using appropriate, clean language. “Right after Kurt retired we weren’t that surprised to see him, because he used to mention all the time how worried he was that our language would go to heck once he left,” Cardinals running back Beanie Wells said Tuesday, adding that everyone on the team has noticed how badly Warner grimaces every time he hears an “F-word.” “Now we’re starting to get a little tired of hearing that just because a word may not offend our teammates doesn’t mean it doesn’t offend Jesus.” Several Arizona players did, however, make a point of saying that the former MVP’s periodic visits were much prefered to those of former Cardinal quarterback Jake Plummer, who stops by twice a week seemingly for no other reason than to drink as much free Gatorade as possible.

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