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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Retired Kurt Warner Dropping By Cardinals Training Camp Periodically To Make Sure Team Still Using Clean Language

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Reports out of Arizona Cardinals training camp confirmed that for the third time this preseason—and the 33rd time since he retired in 2010—former starting quarterback Kurt Warner dropped by practice to see his former teammates and make sure they were still using appropriate, clean language. “Right after Kurt retired we weren’t that surprised to see him, because he used to mention all the time how worried he was that our language would go to heck once he left,” Cardinals running back Beanie Wells said Tuesday, adding that everyone on the team has noticed how badly Warner grimaces every time he hears an “F-word.” “Now we’re starting to get a little tired of hearing that just because a word may not offend our teammates doesn’t mean it doesn’t offend Jesus.” Several Arizona players did, however, make a point of saying that the former MVP’s periodic visits were much prefered to those of former Cardinal quarterback Jake Plummer, who stops by twice a week seemingly for no other reason than to drink as much free Gatorade as possible.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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