Retired S1Ws Recalled To Active Duty

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Productivity

Retired S1Ws Recalled To Active Duty

STRONG ISLAND, NY—With recruitment down sharply, and the prospect of being held back by the nation of millions appearing once again likely, top-ranking Public Enemy officials issued an order Monday for all retired Security Of The First World personnel to return to active duty.

S1W Chief and Public Enemy Minister Of Information Professor Griff

"In order to come to the aid of the hip-hop nation, we must regrettably ask those men who heroically served the Black Planet to once again don their fatigues and take up their plastic arms," S1W Chief and Public Enemy Minister Of Information Professor Griff said. "We have no more options. It's not as though we can simply call 911. That would be a joke."

"Some see this as a sign of defeat," Griff added. "Don't believe the hype: We will come out triumphant in this Mess Age."

S1W comprised the paramilitary security wing of the Public Enemy forces from the late 1980s to the mid-1990s. Their intimidating martial presence and synchronized dance steps routinely struck fear in the hearts of concertgoers hoping to enjoy a Beastie Boys or Big Audio Dynamite performance.

Although successfully deployed during the ongoing power-fighting that marked much of Public Enemy's existence, doubts have been raised, even among S1Ws themselves, of their current effectiveness.

S1Ws

"I am proud of my service to Public Enemy," said retired S1W Roger Chillous, 41. "I was right there in the front of the stage for the First London Invasion tour of duty right before I retired. But I can no longer effortlessly execute the complex choreographed maneuvers that were once required of me. I wasn't called up for the East Coast–West Coast conflict, so I don't understand why I was for this."

Others adopted a militant stance evocative of their younger days, claiming that they have already done their fair share of cold lampin'.

"I got a letter from the P.E. the other day," said James Bomb, 46, also a former S1W. "I opened it, and read it, and said they were suckers. They want me for their army or whatever? Picture me giving a damn—I said 'Never.'"

"Then again, I could use the money," Bomb added.

John "Pop" Oliver, 52, said that commitments to his wife and children make returning to the S1W life much more difficult.

"How is my family going to feel when they turn on the news to find out that the Bomb Squad has been sent into action again?" Oliver said. "I'm like, comatose walking around. I just got my life back, I'm not ready to leave it behind."

<p> <b>"Not since we entered the Terrordome have we needed this much support from the S, the S1Ws"</b></p> <p>Chuck D</p>

Public Enemy leader Chuck D admitted that he had "greatly underestimated" the strength of the power in the late 1990s, having called it "contained" and discharging all but a small force of S1Ws. Despite numerous campaigns to create a broad, multi-racial coalition in order to increase recruitment, such as joint actions with Anthrax, U2 and Gang of Four, recruitment has been less than half that of pre-1992 levels.

In addition, there has been some question about the conditions to which the S1Ws will return. The Jeep Beat Troops were decimated in the Revolverlution of 2002, and the S1Ws' once-proud fleet of 98 Oldsmobiles have fallen into disrepair, lacking the armor plating that would keep them safe under fire.

Though the initial recall order was for just six S1Ws, speculation ran rampant that this was just the first of many such recalls. One high-ranking member spoke on the condition of anonymity.

"No one is happy to execute this order," the source said. "Unfortunately, so long as the show is under siege by a constant stream of potential bum-rushers, there seems to be no end in sight for this conflict. We may have too much posse, but we still require the critical support of the S1Ws. Yeeeeaaaaaah, boyyyyyyy!"

Sister Souljah could not be reached for comment.

Next Story