Retiree Gearing Up For Errands With Lady Friend

In This Section

Vol 45 Issue 44

House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, this suburban bungalow is haunted by the restless, tormented souls of its residents, the Davidson family.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Retiree Gearing Up For Errands With Lady Friend

POMPANO BEACH, FL—Following a breakfast of shredded wheat and grapefruit juice, 76-year-old Martin Schoenfeld shaved, tied his shoes, and put on a fresh shirt in preparation for an afternoon of errands at the Pompano Citi Centre with his new lady friend, Marcy Larroway, 73. "I've got the car warming up outside," Schoenfeld said while working a dab of Brylcreem through his hair and deciding whether the two would purchase stamps at the post office first or go straight to the Hallmark store. "Maybe we'll have time for a matinee after the pharmacy. It's right nearby." At press time, Schoenfeld was calling to confirm his 5 p.m. dinner reservation for two at the HomeTown Buffet.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More