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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Retiree Gearing Up For Errands With Lady Friend

POMPANO BEACH, FL—Following a breakfast of shredded wheat and grapefruit juice, 76-year-old Martin Schoenfeld shaved, tied his shoes, and put on a fresh shirt in preparation for an afternoon of errands at the Pompano Citi Centre with his new lady friend, Marcy Larroway, 73. "I've got the car warming up outside," Schoenfeld said while working a dab of Brylcreem through his hair and deciding whether the two would purchase stamps at the post office first or go straight to the Hallmark store. "Maybe we'll have time for a matinee after the pharmacy. It's right nearby." At press time, Schoenfeld was calling to confirm his 5 p.m. dinner reservation for two at the HomeTown Buffet.

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