adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Retiree Gearing Up For Errands With Lady Friend

POMPANO BEACH, FL—Following a breakfast of shredded wheat and grapefruit juice, 76-year-old Martin Schoenfeld shaved, tied his shoes, and put on a fresh shirt in preparation for an afternoon of errands at the Pompano Citi Centre with his new lady friend, Marcy Larroway, 73. "I've got the car warming up outside," Schoenfeld said while working a dab of Brylcreem through his hair and deciding whether the two would purchase stamps at the post office first or go straight to the Hallmark store. "Maybe we'll have time for a matinee after the pharmacy. It's right nearby." At press time, Schoenfeld was calling to confirm his 5 p.m. dinner reservation for two at the HomeTown Buffet.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close