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Retiree Purchases Recliner He'll Eventually Die In

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Retiree Purchases Recliner He'll Eventually Die In

DADE CITY, FL– Retiree Chuck Leyner, 66, treated himself Monday to a La-Z-Boy Cardinal Reclina-Rocker chair, in which he will die of heart failure approximately eight years from now. "Oh, this is gonna be so great to watch football in," Leyner said of the attractive, comfortable death recliner, boasting five leg settings and a luxuriously padded back which will absorb the shock of his final death throes. "This thing is gonna last for the rest of my life."

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