Retiree Purchases Recliner He'll Eventually Die In

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Vol 36 Issue 38

Woman Feels Guilty After Switching Brands

RUTLAND, VT– Area resident Teresa Grant was plagued by feelings of guilt Monday after buying a box of Snuggle fabric softener, ending years of unswerving brand loyalty to Downy. "I remember my mother using Downy when I was a toddler," a distraught Grant said. "It's just that I got a trial size of Snuggle in the mail and, well, I kind of preferred the smell." Grant added that, while taking the Snuggle box from the supermarket shelf, she strove not to make eye contact with the baby on the Downy bottle.

Filmmakers Call Vincent Canby's Life Overlong, Poorly Paced

NEW YORK– The life of Vincent Canby, the longtime New York Times senior film critic who died last week at 76, is being called "an overlong, poorly paced mess" by filmmakers. "Mr. Canby's life builds glacially, taking an excruciating 21,549,600 minutes to reach the part in which he finally begins writing for the Times," said director Roland Joffe, whose 1986 film The Mission was panned by Canby as "a singularly lumpy sort of movie." "The life then completely falls apart in its final third, with Canby retiring in the most anticlimactic manner possible before an inevitable death scene as awash in bathos as any you're likely to see."

Congressman Picked Last For Committee On Youth Fitness

WASHINGTON, DC– U.S. Rep. David Bonior (D-MI), an awkward, unpopular legislator from Michigan's 10th District, was picked last for the new House Committee On Youth Fitness Monday. "I didn't even want to be on that dumb committee," said Bonior after being made the final pick by Rep. J.C. Watts Jr. (R-OK), the committee's athletic, well-liked chairman. "I'm only doing it because I have to be on one more committee to get full credit for this term." Bonior reportedly stood at the front of the House floor during the selection process, trying to be noticed.

U.S. Leads World In Mexican-Food Availability

UNITED NATIONS– According to a U.N. report released Monday, for the 16th straight year, the U.S. ranks first in the world in Mexican-food availability. "The U.S. boasts an unrivaled abundance of Mexican food, producing 23 billion pounds of tacos, enchiladas, and burritos in 1999," the report read. "No other nation on Earth can claim such plenty with regard to beans-and-rice-based Mexican fare." Japan ranked second, with the top five rounded out by Canada, Mexico, and the United Kingdom.

Sharon Stone To Star In Major Backstage Drama

HOLLYWOOD, CA– Daily Variety reported Monday that Sharon Stone will star in a major backstage drama on the set of the upcoming Barry Levinson film This Charming Man. "Look for Ms. Stone to electrify onlookers throughout the Paramount Pictures lot with her gripping performance as a star outraged that some wardrobe-department nobody keeps knocking on her trailer when she's trying to get into character," Daily Variety's Peter Bart wrote in his Back Lot column. The Stone scene is expected to generate major buzz in Paramount studio head Sherry Lansing's office.

Around The World In One Paragraph

Yesterday in my bed-chamber, Nurse Pin-head opened the glass-doors to my private balcony to release the fetid cloud of odors, miasmas, and sour regrets which had built up over the past several weeks. But as soon as this poisonous atmosphere was expelled, my bed-chamber became contaminated with the cacophony of the out-side world. I could hear the milk-maids' buckets clatter, the cows lowing in the dell, and the indentured servant boy's tortured cries as he was being flogged. But punctuating this din was a sort of inane chattering, occasionally interrupted by a shrill cackle.
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Retiree Purchases Recliner He'll Eventually Die In

DADE CITY, FL– Retiree Chuck Leyner, 66, treated himself Monday to a La-Z-Boy Cardinal Reclina-Rocker chair, in which he will die of heart failure approximately eight years from now. "Oh, this is gonna be so great to watch football in," Leyner said of the attractive, comfortable death recliner, boasting five leg settings and a luxuriously padded back which will absorb the shock of his final death throes. "This thing is gonna last for the rest of my life."

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