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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Retiree Purchases Recliner He'll Eventually Die In

DADE CITY, FL– Retiree Chuck Leyner, 66, treated himself Monday to a La-Z-Boy Cardinal Reclina-Rocker chair, in which he will die of heart failure approximately eight years from now. "Oh, this is gonna be so great to watch football in," Leyner said of the attractive, comfortable death recliner, boasting five leg settings and a luxuriously padded back which will absorb the shock of his final death throes. "This thing is gonna last for the rest of my life."

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