Retirees Rise Up Against Gang Violence

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Retirees Rise Up Against Gang Violence

Over a 20-year period, they saw their neighborhood deteriorate from a colorful pastiche of hard-working immigrants to an earthly hell of gang violence and terror. But when it came to putting up or moving out, one plucky group of senior citizens in the Fairfield section of Los Angeles decided age wouldn't stand in the way of protecting their community.

Edele Parks, machine gunned; Bud Parks, brained with 40-ounce bottle of malt liquor; Harvey Pell, run over by Buick; and Lila Johns, slipped on own hat.

The enterprising seniors formed a community watchdog group called "Seniors Against Gangs," and boldly took their message to the street. Taking a brisk three-block walk from the senior center to a known gang hangout, a vacant lot near an abandoned Asian grocery, the seniors faced the gangs head on.

"Stop terrorizing our neighborhoods!" Stan Grewsilski, 88, demanded. Grewsilski, who served in our nation's armed forces during World War II, was swiftly seized by four gang members and stabbed 12 times in the kidney with a rusty screwdriver.

But the surviving seniors were undaunted. Though one, Rose Freuknes, fell faint, the others turned and fled while continuing to reprimand the gang members.

"Aaah! No!" Gladys Rankin shouted as she was tripped and quickly surrounded by a dozen young gang bangers. "Stop! Please!" Harv Brenuisi pleaded. Both were anally raped amid gang taunts, then pulverized with machine-gun fire. The last senior to die, Thelma Frekjs, was chained to a stolen Buick and dragged through the city.

Fairfield's remaining 113 seniors mobilized in a manner reminiscent of the old days.

At 8 p.m., as the Fairfield Senior Center's annual rendition of Showboat let out onto Jackson Street, Mickey O'Donoghue saw Marco's Corner Market being held up. This, in combination with the recent "Seniors Against Gangs," inspired him to take action. Along with the rest of the emerging crowd, O'Donoghue, who was wheelchair-bound and only maintained use of his left arm above the wrist, raced across the street to confront the hoods.

The seniors decided to make a stand, emboldened by the fact that they outnumbered the gang members 113 to five. And for a while, it looked like they might just win.

Television cameras captured such moving images as two seniors, Myrtle Laine and Bea Rifkin, holding down one punk and hitting him with oversized handbags. The Senior Center next to the convenience store was abuzz with energy for the first time in years, even if only for the 28-minute duration of the battle.

The tide inevitably turned, as other gangs came upon the scene and joined the fracas. Instead of trying to smite their rival gang members, they joined forces with them, creating an all-out Battle of the AgesTM.

Even with their organizational prowess and sense of purpose, the seniors were no match for the strength and numbers of the nine gangs that assembled in Fairfield. In fact, the seniors' uprising led the gangs to work together for a common cause for the first time in years. According to one gang member, seeing who could take out the most elderly became a friendly competition between rivals.

"I realized that I have more in common with the 99th Street Killaz than I previously thought," said Luis Guerrero, a member of the rival Huevos Rancheros gang. "I mean, after all, aren't we all brothers?"

Meanwhile, family members of the slain mourned their collective loss.

"My father, God rest his soul, came to this country alone, moved to Fairfield, and worked 63 years in a shoe factory," said Ronald Michaels, son of Hans Mikelveck, 91. "Fortunately, I moved away from Fairfield after college, and, you know, with the way rent is these days, there just wasn't room for him in my house."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close