Retirees Rise Up Against Gang Violence

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Vol 30 Issue 11

Fourth Tool Discovered

FELK, WY—Carpenters worldwide are celebrating Sunday's discovery of a fourth tool: the screwdriver. Until Monday, laborers had but three tools at their disposal: the saw, the hammer and the rotary belt sander. Though many had speculated that a fourth tool might exist, such theories had not been proven true until carpenter Don Kniftle used a screwdriver to insert screws into particle board. "It occurred to me that my screwdriver could be considered a tool," Kniftle said. "A tool is defined as any instrument worked by hand to assist in a task. For example, if I were to use this wrench here to turn these nuts, it too could be considered a... Hey, wait a minute!"

Man Avoids Messing With Texas

JOPLIN, MO—An area man's aggression toward the Longhorn State was curbed Sunday after he read a bumper sticker that warned, "Don't Mess With Texas." The incident escalated after Joplin resident Jake Vretnar, 31, swore to friends in a drunken tirade that he would "go and fuck up that state." Vretnar boarded his truck for the drive, but cut his trip short upon seeing the bumper sticker. "I guess they're serious," he said.

Family Saved By Three-Way Inflatable Goat

MIAMI—A family of four, rescued Monday after floating in the Gulf of Mexico for nearly two weeks, credited its salvation to the father's aberrant sex toy. The Clowes family and its luggage were swept from the deck of a Carnival Cruise ship during a freak storm. Father Gerald Clowes, a librarian, reluctantly inflated "Pink-Hole: The Three-Way Inflatable Goat" only after his toddler children, Ben and Tricia, began to drown. The two children clung to Pink-Hole for 13 days before being saved by a boat of Haitian refugees.

Pop Stars To Consolidate

LOS ANGELES—Aging pop stars Elton John and Billy Joel will combine into one artist, tentatively named "Billy John," record industry executives announced Monday. The two stars' identical baby-boomer audience, as well as the similarities in their inoffensive, adult-oriented songwriting style, were cited as reasons for the change. "Face it, in today's market, there's just less and less room for more than one artist in this niche," Billy John spokesperson Sol Herberger said. A computer-generated image combining the two singers into one person has already been signed as the new spokesman for Coke, and a deluxe box set will be released this December. If the merger is successful, additional pop mergers have been planned, including a combination of Eric Clapton and Phil Collins.

I Love Being a Hostage

Do you know what I love? I'll give you a hint: I can't speak to my loved ones, I eat irregularly at best and I am miles away from the land I call home. Oops, that's three hints! Oh well. Give up? I love being a hostage, that's what I love!

Drop Dead, Every Last One of You!

I've been a newspaperman all my life. Printer's ink flows through my veins! As my nurse reads me this commemorative "best of" issue of the great Onion news gazette, tears gush from my eyes. Do you realize that you hold in your hands some of the finest journalism ever created? You do not deserve such fine journalism. I wouldn't even pay you to urinate on me.
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Retirees Rise Up Against Gang Violence

Over a 20-year period, they saw their neighborhood deteriorate from a colorful pastiche of hard-working immigrants to an earthly hell of gang violence and terror. But when it came to putting up or moving out, one plucky group of senior citizens in the Fairfield section of Los Angeles decided age wouldn't stand in the way of protecting their community.

Edele Parks, machine gunned; Bud Parks, brained with 40-ounce bottle of malt liquor; Harvey Pell, run over by Buick; and Lila Johns, slipped on own hat.

The enterprising seniors formed a community watchdog group called "Seniors Against Gangs," and boldly took their message to the street. Taking a brisk three-block walk from the senior center to a known gang hangout, a vacant lot near an abandoned Asian grocery, the seniors faced the gangs head on.

"Stop terrorizing our neighborhoods!" Stan Grewsilski, 88, demanded. Grewsilski, who served in our nation's armed forces during World War II, was swiftly seized by four gang members and stabbed 12 times in the kidney with a rusty screwdriver.

But the surviving seniors were undaunted. Though one, Rose Freuknes, fell faint, the others turned and fled while continuing to reprimand the gang members.

"Aaah! No!" Gladys Rankin shouted as she was tripped and quickly surrounded by a dozen young gang bangers. "Stop! Please!" Harv Brenuisi pleaded. Both were anally raped amid gang taunts, then pulverized with machine-gun fire. The last senior to die, Thelma Frekjs, was chained to a stolen Buick and dragged through the city.

Fairfield's remaining 113 seniors mobilized in a manner reminiscent of the old days.

At 8 p.m., as the Fairfield Senior Center's annual rendition of Showboat let out onto Jackson Street, Mickey O'Donoghue saw Marco's Corner Market being held up. This, in combination with the recent "Seniors Against Gangs," inspired him to take action. Along with the rest of the emerging crowd, O'Donoghue, who was wheelchair-bound and only maintained use of his left arm above the wrist, raced across the street to confront the hoods.

The seniors decided to make a stand, emboldened by the fact that they outnumbered the gang members 113 to five. And for a while, it looked like they might just win.

Television cameras captured such moving images as two seniors, Myrtle Laine and Bea Rifkin, holding down one punk and hitting him with oversized handbags. The Senior Center next to the convenience store was abuzz with energy for the first time in years, even if only for the 28-minute duration of the battle.

The tide inevitably turned, as other gangs came upon the scene and joined the fracas. Instead of trying to smite their rival gang members, they joined forces with them, creating an all-out Battle of the AgesTM.

Even with their organizational prowess and sense of purpose, the seniors were no match for the strength and numbers of the nine gangs that assembled in Fairfield. In fact, the seniors' uprising led the gangs to work together for a common cause for the first time in years. According to one gang member, seeing who could take out the most elderly became a friendly competition between rivals.

"I realized that I have more in common with the 99th Street Killaz than I previously thought," said Luis Guerrero, a member of the rival Huevos Rancheros gang. "I mean, after all, aren't we all brothers?"

Meanwhile, family members of the slain mourned their collective loss.

"My father, God rest his soul, came to this country alone, moved to Fairfield, and worked 63 years in a shoe factory," said Ronald Michaels, son of Hans Mikelveck, 91. "Fortunately, I moved away from Fairfield after college, and, you know, with the way rent is these days, there just wasn't room for him in my house."

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