Retro-Crazed German Youths Invade Poland

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Vol 33 Issue 13

Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

NEW YORK—Area resident Janice Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at mascara at the Elizabeth Arden cosmetics counter at Macy's when several salespeople violently descended upon her, brutally applying thick coats of rouge and eye shadow until she fell unconscious. "It was horrible," witness Stacie Hull said. "They had her in autumn colors, and she was obviously a winter."

Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit murder. "If you kill someone, your parents will be notified, and you may even spend time in jail," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Previously, murderers as young as 14, depending on state of residence, were considered to be acting within the law. President Clinton approved the bill, though he had recently threatened to veto it if youths between 16 and 19 were not granted certain killing privileges with parental consent.

Madcap Romp Escalates Into Zany Hijinks

WALLINGBROOK, VT—A madcap romp involving a string of zany shenanigans escalated into full-blown hijinks Saturday at Croydon Preparatory Academy, an exclusive private school in Wallingbrook. "These nutty kids are driving the board of directors absolutely bonkers with their wild antics," said school headmaster Charles Croydon III. "I don't know which is screwier, the loonball goof-ups or the cornball japery." Paramount Pictures has paid $3.4 million for movie rights to the story of the students' over-the-top hijinks, which the studio plans to turn into an outrageous send-up, expected in theaters in late 1999.

Psychic Phone Service Devastates Competition By Only Hiring The Best Psychics

LOS ANGELES—Psychic phone services across the nation are declaring bankruptcy as a result of the Caring Psychic Souls Service's recent announcement that it hires only the best master psychics. "Only the Caring Psychic Souls Service can offer you readings from the very best psychics in the world today," said Dana Plato, celebrity spokesperson for the service. "We are ruined," said Psychic Encounters spokesperson Nichelle Nichols. "I suppose, in retrospect, we devoted too much energy to infomercials and not enough to the development of a rigorous screening process by which we would guarantee ourselves the absolute top psychics. Now we are paying for it."

New, Improved Olean 30 Percent Less Likely To Make You Shit In Your Pants

CINCINNATI—Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of the breakthrough fat-free cooking oil Olean, unveiled a new, improved version of the product Monday, one that is reportedly 30 percent less likely to cause explosive pants-shitting. "Good news, calorie counters—Olean just got even better," Procter & Gamble spokesman Phillip Hearn said. "Now, even fewer people who eat Lay's-brand Wow! potato chips will experience violent, bowel-shattering defecation and uncontrollable spewing of high-pressure jets of frothy, liquid feces." Hearn said Olean users can still expect to vomit rivers of blood at ten-minute intervals for six months following use.

Get Smooved

Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is, let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved.

Hippocratic Oath 'Under Review' By HMO Board

INDIANAPOLIS—In a development bioethicists and health-care industry professionals are watching closely, the board of directors of Indiana HMO PhysCare-Plus, one of the largest and most powerful HMOs in the nation, announced Monday that the Hippocratic Oath is currently "under review."

Why Can't I Have A Mistress Too?

I have often been asked if I regret anything about my life. The answer is no! If I were to do it over again, I'd do it all the same! After all, it was I who transformed The Onion from an obscure frontier news-paper with a reader-ship composed mainly of Mennonites to a bustling daily with a readership of millions. And I'll be damned if I ever apologize for taking the life of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge!

My Goal Is To Someday Be A Realtor

My goal is to someday become a Realtor, and, come heck or high water, I'm going to do it! I've always wanted a career, and, now that the kids are finally old enough not to need me around the house all the time, I'm determined to go for it. As my best girlfriend Patricia who sells Amway told me, there's no better time than the present!
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Retro-Crazed German Youths Invade Poland

WARSAW, POLAND—In the largest nostalgia-driven military assault in history, 250,000 retro-crazed German teenagers and twentysomethings invaded Poland Monday.

A battalion of hip, '30s-obsessed German teens rolls through the streets of Warsaw.

"The '30s were, like, the coolest decade," said 17-year-old Grete Wunsch of Dusseldorf, one of the 840 young hipsters in the 55th Panzer Division who seized control of the capital city of Warsaw and set up a provisional German government. "The clothes, the music, the rallies—that whole Third Reich thing was just the best. I was so born in the wrong decade."

"Lebensraum is totally where it's at," said Günter Groff, 19, a high-ranking officer in the popular teen retro-club which calls itself "The S.S." "We're tired of the mainstream, corporate clothes and pop music of the '90s. We hunger for something more, something to call our own, and we understand that the Fatherland must gain more territory if the superior Aryan Race is to claim its rightful destiny as rulers of the Untermensch."

Throughout Poland, the air is filled with the exuberant sounds of traditional Bavarian "oom-pah" bands, the synchronized stomp of marching jackboots, and rousing songs of patriotic fervor, as German retro-fever takes the nation by force. The trendy German youths are getting Polish citizens into the act, too, issuing them passes, demanding to see papers, and strictly enforcing curfews on pain of execution by firing squad.

Grete Wunsch of Dusseldorf, one of the countless German teens embracing the current retro craze.

Despite the protests of the conquered Poles, who insist that the German retro craze is "played out," the trend shows no sign of waning any time soon. In fact, it seems to be gaining momentum, poised to sweep across all of Europe.

"The '90s are so boring. There are never any world wars anymore. That's why this retro thing is so awesome–it's finally our chance to do some of that cool stuff we missed," said Birgid Schumacher, 16, of Berlin. "I am so psyched to annex Czechoslovakia."

"Things go in cycles, ja?" said 17-year-old Otto Meine of Stuttgart, a German Youth Brigade junior officer stationed in Gdansk. "Last year, the big thing with all the kids at school was The Spice Girls, but this year it's the violation of the Treaty of Versailles. Next year, who knows? It could be the construction of massive, industrial deathcamps and the wholesale conversion of the native Jewry into soap. There's just so much great old stuff to bring back."

Meine's exuberant attitude seems to be contagious. Across Germany, young people are jumping on the retro bandwagon, wearing vintage brownshirt uniforms and attending massive "old-school" military rallies that draw hundreds of thousands to city squares.

The biggest event of the retro movement, observers say, will likely come this summer, when two million youths are expected to flock to the French border for a star-studded, three-day festival. Tentatively titled "The Claiming Of Alsace-Lorraine," the festival will feature rock bands, extreme-sports competitions, and the brutal occupation of the long-disputed French border region by Germany. Organizers are so confident the festival will be a success, plans are already underway for a follow-up event for next summer: London Blitzkrieg '99.

Despite the sudden and extreme nature of the current wave of retro fever, its young devotees insist that their love of the '30s and '40s isn't just a pose. It is, they say, a way of life.

"It's about finding real meaning, real truth, in your heritage, your nation and your race," said Berliner Klaus Hofbreit, 18. "This isn't just about the clothes I put on, or the music I listen to while marching across neighboring countries' borders. It's about finding strength in who you are and triumphing through sheer will. It's about my kultur, know what I'm saying? The totenkultur."

Added Hofbreit: "Deutschland über alles, baby!"

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