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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Retro-Crazed German Youths Invade Poland

WARSAW, POLAND—In the largest nostalgia-driven military assault in history, 250,000 retro-crazed German teenagers and twentysomethings invaded Poland Monday.

A battalion of hip, '30s-obsessed German teens rolls through the streets of Warsaw.

"The '30s were, like, the coolest decade," said 17-year-old Grete Wunsch of Dusseldorf, one of the 840 young hipsters in the 55th Panzer Division who seized control of the capital city of Warsaw and set up a provisional German government. "The clothes, the music, the rallies—that whole Third Reich thing was just the best. I was so born in the wrong decade."

"Lebensraum is totally where it's at," said Günter Groff, 19, a high-ranking officer in the popular teen retro-club which calls itself "The S.S." "We're tired of the mainstream, corporate clothes and pop music of the '90s. We hunger for something more, something to call our own, and we understand that the Fatherland must gain more territory if the superior Aryan Race is to claim its rightful destiny as rulers of the Untermensch."

Throughout Poland, the air is filled with the exuberant sounds of traditional Bavarian "oom-pah" bands, the synchronized stomp of marching jackboots, and rousing songs of patriotic fervor, as German retro-fever takes the nation by force. The trendy German youths are getting Polish citizens into the act, too, issuing them passes, demanding to see papers, and strictly enforcing curfews on pain of execution by firing squad.

Grete Wunsch of Dusseldorf, one of the countless German teens embracing the current retro craze.

Despite the protests of the conquered Poles, who insist that the German retro craze is "played out," the trend shows no sign of waning any time soon. In fact, it seems to be gaining momentum, poised to sweep across all of Europe.

"The '90s are so boring. There are never any world wars anymore. That's why this retro thing is so awesome–it's finally our chance to do some of that cool stuff we missed," said Birgid Schumacher, 16, of Berlin. "I am so psyched to annex Czechoslovakia."

"Things go in cycles, ja?" said 17-year-old Otto Meine of Stuttgart, a German Youth Brigade junior officer stationed in Gdansk. "Last year, the big thing with all the kids at school was The Spice Girls, but this year it's the violation of the Treaty of Versailles. Next year, who knows? It could be the construction of massive, industrial deathcamps and the wholesale conversion of the native Jewry into soap. There's just so much great old stuff to bring back."

Meine's exuberant attitude seems to be contagious. Across Germany, young people are jumping on the retro bandwagon, wearing vintage brownshirt uniforms and attending massive "old-school" military rallies that draw hundreds of thousands to city squares.

The biggest event of the retro movement, observers say, will likely come this summer, when two million youths are expected to flock to the French border for a star-studded, three-day festival. Tentatively titled "The Claiming Of Alsace-Lorraine," the festival will feature rock bands, extreme-sports competitions, and the brutal occupation of the long-disputed French border region by Germany. Organizers are so confident the festival will be a success, plans are already underway for a follow-up event for next summer: London Blitzkrieg '99.

Despite the sudden and extreme nature of the current wave of retro fever, its young devotees insist that their love of the '30s and '40s isn't just a pose. It is, they say, a way of life.

"It's about finding real meaning, real truth, in your heritage, your nation and your race," said Berliner Klaus Hofbreit, 18. "This isn't just about the clothes I put on, or the music I listen to while marching across neighboring countries' borders. It's about finding strength in who you are and triumphing through sheer will. It's about my kultur, know what I'm saying? The totenkultur."

Added Hofbreit: "Deutschland über alles, baby!"

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