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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Return Of NHL Season Reignites Exciting Sidney Crosby Vs. Cranial Fluid Buildup Rivalry

NEW YORK—With the NHL season set to finally begin after a prolonged labor dispute, sources confirmed Friday that the league’s return has reignited the intense and compelling rivalry between Sidney Crosby and the buildup of excess cranial fluid. “This is easily the most exciting rivalry in the sport, and fans are already on the edge of their seats waiting to see whether ‘Sid the Kid’ or the abnormal accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid comes out on top this year,” said ESPN hockey columnist Scott Burnside, adding that “there’s no love lost” between the 25-year-old Pittsburgh Penguins star and the acute intracranial pressure in his skull. “The profusion of brain fluids really had Crosby’s number two years ago, but Sid came roaring back at the end of last season to retake the upper hand. We’re all eagerly anticipating the third chapter of the rivalry when these two face off in their 48 regular season matchups. Plus, there’s a very good chance they’ll see each other in the playoffs as well.” Reports also confirmed that both serious and casual hockey fans alike are looking forward to seeing how the rivalry unfolds over the next 30 to 40 years.

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