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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Return Of NHL Season Reignites Exciting Sidney Crosby Vs. Cranial Fluid Buildup Rivalry

NEW YORK—With the NHL season set to finally begin after a prolonged labor dispute, sources confirmed Friday that the league’s return has reignited the intense and compelling rivalry between Sidney Crosby and the buildup of excess cranial fluid. “This is easily the most exciting rivalry in the sport, and fans are already on the edge of their seats waiting to see whether ‘Sid the Kid’ or the abnormal accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid comes out on top this year,” said ESPN hockey columnist Scott Burnside, adding that “there’s no love lost” between the 25-year-old Pittsburgh Penguins star and the acute intracranial pressure in his skull. “The profusion of brain fluids really had Crosby’s number two years ago, but Sid came roaring back at the end of last season to retake the upper hand. We’re all eagerly anticipating the third chapter of the rivalry when these two face off in their 48 regular season matchups. Plus, there’s a very good chance they’ll see each other in the playoffs as well.” Reports also confirmed that both serious and casual hockey fans alike are looking forward to seeing how the rivalry unfolds over the next 30 to 40 years.

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