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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Reverend Al Sharpton Takes Time Off From Holy Duties To Make TV Appearance

NEW YORK—Taking a break from his busy schedule of pastoral duties, the Rev. Al Sharpton set aside time Monday evening to make an appearance on a cable news channel, sources have confirmed. “Given his professional obligations and personal devotion to spreading the Gospel, we were simply thrilled that the reverend was able to find time for us and come on our show,” television producer Sophie Josten said of the 59-year-old Baptist clergyman, who when not conducting a worship service, ministering to the sick, or teaching a seminar at a local divinity school reportedly prefers to spend his time sequestered in silent prayer. “After we showed him how to speak into his microphone properly and told him which camera to look into, he took to it like a pro, generously sharing his views on any topic that came up during the broadcast. He left in a hurry though, no doubt to spend his evening offering one-on-one spiritual counseling to members of his congregation, but we’re sure glad he was able to fit us in.” Sources close to the reverend confirmed that after quickly reprising his role as a guest host on WWE Raw, Sharpton’s next stop would be the hospice where he volunteers as a chaplain.

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