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Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
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Revlon Forced To Test Cosmetics On Plants

NEW YORK—Bowing to pressure from PETA and other activist groups to abandon animal testing, the Revlon Corporation announced Tuesday that, effective immediately, all new products will be tested on plant life.

A Revlon scientist displays a spathiphyllum which has been used to test the company's new mascaras and lipsticks.

"Before any Revlon product is placed in the hands of U.S. consumers, I can assure you that it will have been thoroughly safety-tested on a wide range of flora," said Angelique Christopher, a spokesperson for the cosmetics giant. "No lipstick, eyeliner, eye shadow, blush, concealer, foundation, mascara, nail polish or makeup remover will hit store shelves without first being put through a rigorous battery of on-plant tests."

Christopher concluded her remarks by pouring a bottle of Revlon Intense Therapy nail conditioner on a fern.

Under the new program, the mice, rabbits, pigs and monkeys that for decades were a staple of product-testing will be replaced with poinsettias, African violets, philodendrons and cacti.

"To determine whether our new Revlon SureHold hair spray is safe for human use, we will take a rhododendron, remove it from its natural soil-based environment, and strap it into a leather restraining harness," Revlon researcher Warren Gilbride said. "The plant's leaves will then be scraped raw and soaked in SureHold, and the spray will be injected into its stem and poured into its flowers. The effect of this treatment on the overall health and well-being of the plant will be meticulously recorded, and the product's likely effect on humans will be extrapolated from the results."

Added Gilbride: "A plant's stamen is remarkably similar to the human eye."

With Tuesday's announcement, Revlon joins a growing list of corporations turning to plants as an alternative to animal testing. For years, Bristol-Myers Squibb has tried out its new drugs on philodendrons. Since May 1998, Benjamin Moore has tested for toxicity in its paints by placing fume-filled gas masks over English ivys. And just last week, the Chrysler Corporation announced it would begin using geraniums in crash tests.

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