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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Revolutionary New Alarm Clock For The Deaf Uses No Hammers

METUCHEN, NJ–America's hearing-impaired are hailing Monday's unveiling of the "Sentinel 450," a breakthrough alarm clock that awakens deaf sleepers without the use of hammers. The alarm clock, developed by Metuchen-based Integrated Products, uses a flashing strobe light to wake hearing-impaired sleepers, rendering obsolete previous models utilizing a mechanical arm to pound the sleeper's cranium with a ball-peen hammer. "Rise and shine in an delightfully new, painless way," trumpets the brochure for the Sentinel 450, expected to hit store shelves in early January. "Now you can be on time for work without all the debilitating concussions, cranial fractures and costly reconstructive facial surgery."

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