Revolutionary New Backache-Imaging Technology Shows How Doan's Pills Work

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Vol 31 Issue 08

White Castle Plundered By Turks

KEW GARDENS, NY—A Queens-area White Castle restaurant was violently raided Friday by Turkish marauder Bakhbar The Cruel. "Let songs of this day echo off the white tile walls," Bakhbar said shortly after unseating and beheading shift manager Dave Spivac, 27. Small, squarish hamburgers, described by Bakhbar's generals as "what he craves," were carted off by the hundreds following the raid. Four captured employees will now be traded as slaves. Also stolen in the brutal Castle purge were over 36 dozen kids' meal toys, 11 gallons of beverage syrup, and enough onion chips to get the nomadic horde to the Throgs Neck Bridge.

'Urban Legends True,' Says Friend Of Cousin's Roommate

CHICAGO—According to a study released Sunday by the friend of this one guy's roommate, contemporary word-of-mouth folklore, or "urban legends," are true. While not actually heard first-hand, the guy said, "Though typically met with skepticism, urban legends are almost always true. Like the one about the guy whose friends threw him a surprise party, but he was naked. I know for a fact that that's a true story—my sister's ex-boyfriend was at that party." The guy also said that a child actually did die from consuming Pop Rocks candy with Coca-Cola, claiming that "it was in the paper."

Aerobics Linked To Lousy Music

LOS ANGELES—A UCLA study released Monday demonstrates a strong link between aerobics and lousy music. "In 98 percent of cases where aerobics are being performed, lousy music can be clearly heard in the vicinity," study head Dr. Ronald Braun said. "Whether it's 'Gonna Make You Sweat' by C&C Music Factory or 'Another Night' by Real McCoy, expect to find songs that are in the lousy-to-crappy range wherever there is an aerobics class taking place." When asked if there is any link between the lousy music and the vacuous, airheaded superficiality of aerobics enthusiasts, Braun replied, "Definitely."

Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer

DUNEDIN, FL—In the wake of his capture Monday, serial killer Eddie Lee Curtis is being recalled by neighbors as a serial killer. "He was kind of a murderous, insane, serial-killer type of fellow," said Will Rowell, 57, who lived next door to the man arrested for the murder of 14 nurses in Florida and Georgia. "He sort of kept to himself, killing nurses, molesting their corpses and then burying the bodies in his backyard." Neighbor Peggy Appleton agreed: "I didn't know him that well, but he really seemed to hate nurses, the way he was always dismembering them with power tools. I guess you could say he fancied himself a serial killer."

Secret Police Enforce Mourning Of Deng Xiaoping

BEIJING—China's 1.2 billion citizens observed a state police-enforced mourning of 92-year-old premier Deng Xiaoping last week. "Our great leader is gone," said Wuhan resident Xiang Hu as a bayonet was held to his throat by a member of the government's elite military guard. Deng's funeral procession through the streets of Beijing was attended by over one million people from as far as 900 miles away, all of whom were forcibly bused in by the state. A 30-day period of national mourning has been declared, during which anyone found not weeping openly will be executed.

Fontly Speaking

Hey, as much as I hate to preach, now is the time when I have to get on the old soapbox: No more Futura Bold Condensed! I mean, really! It's such a precocious little font. I know it seems chic and irresistible, but show some restraint! People are using it everywhere, from Surgeon General's warnings to children's arithmetic books, and it really bugs me to see it used when a simple, moderate 18-point Helvetica Narrow Oblique would fill the bill without the pretension. Please, don't fall in the trap of using inappropriate fonts to make up for unimpressive material.

'Bridge To 21st Century' Crap Forgotten

WASHINGTON, DC—Offering a bold new vision for post-1996 presidential election America, President Clinton unveiled a new plan Monday to forget about that "Bridge To The 21st Century" crap.

Horoscope for the week of March 5, 1997

In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late light of the sun on the Plaza Del Toros must be enough for you.

Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest

PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by Stanford's Institute For Psychotherapeutic Study, depression, America's leading mental illness, hits losers worse than any other segment of society.

I Will Love You Until The Stars Fall From The Sky vs. Please Stop Calling Me

Elaine, I will love you forever. I will adore you until the sun neither rises in the morning, nor sets in the evening as you lay your perfect cheek upon your pillow for slumber—usually after watching Trapper John, M.D. and spending 8-11 minutes in what I've surmised from my spot in the bushes to be your bathroom.
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Healthy Eating

Revolutionary New Backache-Imaging Technology Shows How Doan's Pills Work

DURHAM, NC—Modern science achieved a major breakthrough Tuesday, when researchers at Duke University's prestigious Non-Prescription Research Laboratory used a high-tech, $55 million backache-imaging system to definitively prove that Doan's pills really work.

The new $55 million BakMap880 backache-imaging system offers a first-ever look at the pain-relieving power of Doan's pills in action.

According to scientists at the laboratory, the "BakMap880" holographic back-pain imaging system can literally "track" the pathway of an individual Doan's pill through the human body, mapping its pain-relief dispersal pattern and depicting the backache itself as it is soothed and relieved.

"A view screen enables doctors and patients to literally 'see' the relief of lower-back tension and muscular discomfort as it happens, in real-time display," Duke research head Dr. Edwin Pleth said. "One can actually observe the pain-relief process taking place right before one's very eyes. The benefits to science are staggering."

An estimated 1.5 million Americans suffer from minor back pain flare-up daily. Yet, until now, none had access to up-to-the-minute data on back-pain medication effectiveness, information that is vital to the successful diagnosis and treatment of the condition.

Thanks to the revolutionary new process developed at Duke, however, backache sufferers will find it easier than ever to see just how effective Doan's pills—the nation's leading brand of non-prescription medication for problem back pain—actually are.

"I'd heard the claims before," said longtime backache sufferer Hank Stepke of Grand Rapids, MI. "They said the pills provide fast, effective, temporary relief—even when compared to other leading brands that cost more. But I was skeptical. Those are just words."

"However," Stepke continued, "now that I've seen this informative, high-tech-looking scientific chart, I'm convinced. This is hard data, raw empirical evidence that cannot be denied."

Minutes after taking two Doan's pills, Stepke added, "My backache is gone! I could keep working all day long now! Thanks, Doan's pills." He then resumed moving furniture.

Back pain, long thought of as an invisible, slightly irritating physical discomfort, appears on the new device as clearly defined areas of red, pulsating glow. Flare-ups are depicted as lightning bolts radiating from the red area's outer rim.

The new backache-imaging system also clearly illustrates the extra-strength pain-fighting action of Doan's pills, depicting it as a gentle green light that emerges from the pill and envelops the back pain, totally neutralizing the suffering.

"The process of quick and effective pain relief is clearly visible to the naked eye," Pleth said.

Four out of five doctors on the Duke research team agreed: the BakMap880 will revolutionize the way we look at non-debilitating, everyday lower back pain.

"The advances now possible in the field of tension-related dorsal discomfort diagnosis are virtually limitless," Pleth said. "Of course, if back pain persists after repeated treatment, see your doctor."

With the first-ever backache-imaging system finally a reality, the Duke team has already begun work on its next project: a computer-modeled, $70 million "cyberfoot" designed to demonstrate the way tough actin' Tinactin covers fungi-infected areas and soothes the painful burning and itching of athlete's foot.

"That one," Pleth said, "may still be years away."

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