adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Rex Grossman Purposely Doesn't Tell Family, Friends He's In Super Bowl

MIAMI—Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman informed his teammates yesterday that he isn't going to tell his family and friends he's playing in Super Bowl XLI. "If I tell them, I know they'll watch, and that's just added pressure I don't need," said Grossman, adding that the last time he informed his parents he was playing in a football game, he threw three interceptions and posted a quarterback rating of 1.3 against the Minnesota Vikings. "If I do well, I can always send them a tape." Upon hearing that Grossman would not be using his standard allotment of tickets, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly inquired about purchasing them, saying he only needed five more to accommodate all of his 435 friends and family members.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close