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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Rex Ryan: 'Mark Sanchez Was Absolutely Our Quarterback This Year'

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Though some in the Jets organization have expressed doubts about Mark Sanchez's role as the team's starting quarterback, head coach Rex Ryan vociferously defended Sanchez Thursday, confirming the former first-round pick was "absolutely" the team’s starter during the 2011-2012 season. "I know it’s your guys' job to generate controversy, but I'm only going to say this once: Mark Sanchez was our quarterback this past season, and he will continue to be our quarterback this past season," said Ryan, who repeatedly called Sanchez "my guy last year." "I'm not going to stand here and listen to people ask if I am going to stick with Sanchez all last season, because I am. End of story." When asked if the Jets planned to acquire quarterback Peyton Manning in the offseason, Ryan said, "How many times do I have to tell you? Mark Sanchez is the heart and soul of the 2011-2012 Jets."

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