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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Rex Ryan On Jets Season: ‘Anything Short Of 6-10 Is A Failure’

NEW YORK—Jets head coach Rex Ryan told reporters at a press conference Thursday that anything short of a 6-10 record this season would be considered a flat-out failure. “I’ve never been afraid of setting lofty goals for this team, and we set the benchmark last year,” said Ryan, adding that anything less than third or fourth place in the NFC East would be a huge letdown for the team, front office, and fans. “I can see the potential for this team, so I’m not afraid to put it out there. This is a 6-10 team, and I expect us to play 6-10 football this year.” Ryan confirmed that he’s equally ambitious when it comes to setting the bar for himself, saying that a dismissal from the team anytime before week 12 would be an utter disappointment.

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