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RGIII Assures Doctors He Can Barely Even Feel Knee

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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RGIII Assures Doctors He Can Barely Even Feel Knee

RICHMOND, VA—Putting the fears of coaches, fans, and the organization to rest, Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III reportedly assured team doctors Thursday that he can barely even feel his reconstructed right knee. “Really, guys, my knee is totally fine; honestly, it’s been completely numb for weeks,” the reigning Offensive Rookie of the Year told Redskins medical staff inquiring into the status of his surgically repaired ACL and LCL ligaments, emphasizing that he “can’t feel a thing from [his] hip on down.” “As far as I can tell, it’s almost like there’s nothing there at all. Maybe a tiny, shooting phantom pain every so often, but, really, I’m feeling great. Can’t wait for the season to start.” According to clubhouse personnel, in order to further assuage team doctors’ concerns, Griffin then demonstrated the improved flexibility of his knee by bending the joint backwards and touching his toes to his chest.

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