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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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RGIII Assures Doctors He Can Barely Even Feel Knee

RICHMOND, VA—Putting the fears of coaches, fans, and the organization to rest, Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III reportedly assured team doctors Thursday that he can barely even feel his reconstructed right knee. “Really, guys, my knee is totally fine; honestly, it’s been completely numb for weeks,” the reigning Offensive Rookie of the Year told Redskins medical staff inquiring into the status of his surgically repaired ACL and LCL ligaments, emphasizing that he “can’t feel a thing from [his] hip on down.” “As far as I can tell, it’s almost like there’s nothing there at all. Maybe a tiny, shooting phantom pain every so often, but, really, I’m feeling great. Can’t wait for the season to start.” According to clubhouse personnel, in order to further assuage team doctors’ concerns, Griffin then demonstrated the improved flexibility of his knee by bending the joint backwards and touching his toes to his chest.

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