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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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RGIII Refusing To Let Realistic Assessment Of His Play Get To Him

RICHMOND, VA—Saying that he makes a point to simply tune out the intense scrutiny from fans and the media, Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III stressed to reporters Tuesday that he will not allow any realistic assessment of his performance get to him. “I’m not about to let any objective criticism toward my play on the field distract me when I’m out there trying to win for my team,” said a determined Griffin, noting that he does his best not to give too much credence to the multitude of perfectly legitimate concerns about his regressing throwing mechanics, his middling ability as a pocket passer, and his increasing number of interceptions. “Look, I won’t be discouraged by unbiased, completely warranted critiques of my struggles within this offensive scheme or totally reasonable questions as to whether I’m naturally injury-prone. At the end of the day, I’m just focused on my game.” Griffin went on to say that he hopes backup quarterback Kirk Cousins is able to similarly brush off any heightened praise about his impressive displays during the preseason.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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