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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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RGIII Refusing To Let Realistic Assessment Of His Play Get To Him

RICHMOND, VA—Saying that he makes a point to simply tune out the intense scrutiny from fans and the media, Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III stressed to reporters Tuesday that he will not allow any realistic assessment of his performance get to him. “I’m not about to let any objective criticism toward my play on the field distract me when I’m out there trying to win for my team,” said a determined Griffin, noting that he does his best not to give too much credence to the multitude of perfectly legitimate concerns about his regressing throwing mechanics, his middling ability as a pocket passer, and his increasing number of interceptions. “Look, I won’t be discouraged by unbiased, completely warranted critiques of my struggles within this offensive scheme or totally reasonable questions as to whether I’m naturally injury-prone. At the end of the day, I’m just focused on my game.” Griffin went on to say that he hopes backup quarterback Kirk Cousins is able to similarly brush off any heightened praise about his impressive displays during the preseason.

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