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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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RGIII Refusing To Let Realistic Assessment Of His Play Get To Him

RICHMOND, VA—Saying that he makes a point to simply tune out the intense scrutiny from fans and the media, Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III stressed to reporters Tuesday that he will not allow any realistic assessment of his performance get to him. “I’m not about to let any objective criticism toward my play on the field distract me when I’m out there trying to win for my team,” said a determined Griffin, noting that he does his best not to give too much credence to the multitude of perfectly legitimate concerns about his regressing throwing mechanics, his middling ability as a pocket passer, and his increasing number of interceptions. “Look, I won’t be discouraged by unbiased, completely warranted critiques of my struggles within this offensive scheme or totally reasonable questions as to whether I’m naturally injury-prone. At the end of the day, I’m just focused on my game.” Griffin went on to say that he hopes backup quarterback Kirk Cousins is able to similarly brush off any heightened praise about his impressive displays during the preseason.

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