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RGIII To Have More Tests Done On Thing That Used To Be Knee

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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RGIII To Have More Tests Done On Thing That Used To Be Knee

ASHBURN, VA—Redskins coach Mike Shanahan announced Tuesday that quarterback Robert Griffin III will undergo further medical tests assessing the condition of the unrecognizable, ragged mess that was once the rookie’s right knee. “We’re not sure of the exact situation with Robert’s bloody, distended bulge around what formerly resembled a working joint,” said Shanahan, who explained that when he elected to play Griffin against the Seahawks, some cartilage was still connected to the bone, enabling the star quarterback to run and remain upright without hurting himself. “Doctors will continue to examine the useless, visibly throbbing tangle of tattered ligaments until they are confident about what to do next.” Shanahan added that regardless of the test results, he would instruct Griffin to continue running intensive speed and agility drills throughout the offseason.

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