RGIII To Have More Tests Done On Thing That Used To Be Knee

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Vol 49 Issue 02

Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season

MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn h...

I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer

NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advan...

Noogies Around The World

National Geographic 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST It turns out that some countries don’t even call them noogies; they call them something else in their own language.

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food.

Packers vs. Niners

The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met.

Denzel Washington

Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.
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RGIII To Have More Tests Done On Thing That Used To Be Knee

ASHBURN, VA—Redskins coach Mike Shanahan announced Tuesday that quarterback Robert Griffin III will undergo further medical tests assessing the condition of the unrecognizable, ragged mess that was once the rookie’s right knee. “We’re not sure of the exact situation with Robert’s bloody, distended bulge around what formerly resembled a working joint,” said Shanahan, who explained that when he elected to play Griffin against the Seahawks, some cartilage was still connected to the bone, enabling the star quarterback to run and remain upright without hurting himself. “Doctors will continue to examine the useless, visibly throbbing tangle of tattered ligaments until they are confident about what to do next.” Shanahan added that regardless of the test results, he would instruct Griffin to continue running intensive speed and agility drills throughout the offseason.

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