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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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RGIII To Have More Tests Done On Thing That Used To Be Knee

ASHBURN, VA—Redskins coach Mike Shanahan announced Tuesday that quarterback Robert Griffin III will undergo further medical tests assessing the condition of the unrecognizable, ragged mess that was once the rookie’s right knee. “We’re not sure of the exact situation with Robert’s bloody, distended bulge around what formerly resembled a working joint,” said Shanahan, who explained that when he elected to play Griffin against the Seahawks, some cartilage was still connected to the bone, enabling the star quarterback to run and remain upright without hurting himself. “Doctors will continue to examine the useless, visibly throbbing tangle of tattered ligaments until they are confident about what to do next.” Shanahan added that regardless of the test results, he would instruct Griffin to continue running intensive speed and agility drills throughout the offseason.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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