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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Rich White People Get Latino Guy To Do Some Work For Them

WASHINGTON—Faced with a menial and unappealing task they had no desire to perform themselves, a group of wealthy white people brought in a Latino man to complete the thankless labor for them Tuesday, sources confirmed. “This opportunity—to make it to the middle class or beyond no matter where you start out in life—it isn’t bestowed on us from Washington,” said the Hispanic guy, who was given explicit instructions and was warned by the privileged, affluent Caucasians to make sure he completed the unrewarding chore to their exact specifications. “It comes from a vibrant free economy where people can risk their own money to open a business. More government isn’t going to create new opportunities. It’s going to limit them.” Following the completion of his tedious labor, the man was reportedly asked if he had any Latino friends who might also be willing to take on some work for the white millionaires for modest compensation.

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