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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Rich White People Get Latino Guy To Do Some Work For Them

WASHINGTON—Faced with a menial and unappealing task they had no desire to perform themselves, a group of wealthy white people brought in a Latino man to complete the thankless labor for them Tuesday, sources confirmed. “This opportunity—to make it to the middle class or beyond no matter where you start out in life—it isn’t bestowed on us from Washington,” said the Hispanic guy, who was given explicit instructions and was warned by the privileged, affluent Caucasians to make sure he completed the unrewarding chore to their exact specifications. “It comes from a vibrant free economy where people can risk their own money to open a business. More government isn’t going to create new opportunities. It’s going to limit them.” Following the completion of his tedious labor, the man was reportedly asked if he had any Latino friends who might also be willing to take on some work for the white millionaires for modest compensation.

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