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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Richard Sherman

Cornerback, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Can read quarterback’s eyes and thereby understand his soul; Quickly moving fingers while in defensive stance at line of scrimmage; Excellent ability to recognize routes, wide receiver’s flaws

Weaknesses: Lacks elite mouth-closing speed; Managed to completely alienate half of a country that welcomed back Michael Vick; Lacks self-confidence

Position: Hype man

Biggest Fear: Finding first gray dreadlock

Speed: 40 words in 4.54 seconds

OSN Player Rating: 19.7 +/- 0.4

Toughness: Very physical, hard-hitting celebrations

Favorite Distance To Be Away From Microphones: Zero feet

NEXT: Earl Thomas

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