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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Richard Sherman

Cornerback, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Can read quarterback’s eyes and thereby understand his soul; Quickly moving fingers while in defensive stance at line of scrimmage; Excellent ability to recognize routes, wide receiver’s flaws

Weaknesses: Lacks elite mouth-closing speed; Managed to completely alienate half of a country that welcomed back Michael Vick; Lacks self-confidence

Position: Hype man

Biggest Fear: Finding first gray dreadlock

Speed: 40 words in 4.54 seconds

OSN Player Rating: 19.7 +/- 0.4

Toughness: Very physical, hard-hitting celebrations

Favorite Distance To Be Away From Microphones: Zero feet

NEXT: Earl Thomas

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