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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Richard Sherman

Cornerback, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Can read quarterback’s eyes and thereby understand his soul; Quickly moving fingers while in defensive stance at line of scrimmage; Excellent ability to recognize routes, wide receiver’s flaws

Weaknesses: Lacks elite mouth-closing speed; Managed to completely alienate half of a country that welcomed back Michael Vick; Lacks self-confidence

Position: Hype man

Biggest Fear: Finding first gray dreadlock

Speed: 40 words in 4.54 seconds

OSN Player Rating: 19.7 +/- 0.4

Toughness: Very physical, hard-hitting celebrations

Favorite Distance To Be Away From Microphones: Zero feet

NEXT: Earl Thomas

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