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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Richie Incognito Disappointed Wells Report Left Out Best Stuff He Did To Jonathan Martin

MIAMI—Saying that the recently released Wells report on patterns of harassment within the Miami Dolphins locker room “doesn’t tell the whole story,” offensive lineman Richie Incognito expressed disappointment to reporters Wednesday that the 144-page account left out the best stuff he did to former teammate Jonathan Martin. “I was hoping that this would finally set the record straight on all the great shit I did to that Jmart loser, but it doesn’t even come close,” said Incognito, claiming that the independent report’s detailed descriptions of the racial slurs, homophobic taunts, and personal threats he directed toward Martin failed to do justice to the extent of his “totally hilarious” abuse. “I mean, I read the entire report, and they didn’t even mention the time I pissed in his Gatorade cup and then watched him drink it. And how about what me and [teammate Mike] Pouncey did to him while he was sleeping on that flight? Whoever wrote this garbage just wasn’t paying attention.” Incognito added that in order to “clear this whole thing up,” he was in the process of writing up a 680-page addendum to the Wells report that he hopes to release to the public later this week.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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