adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Richie Incognito Disappointed Wells Report Left Out Best Stuff He Did To Jonathan Martin

MIAMI—Saying that the recently released Wells report on patterns of harassment within the Miami Dolphins locker room “doesn’t tell the whole story,” offensive lineman Richie Incognito expressed disappointment to reporters Wednesday that the 144-page account left out the best stuff he did to former teammate Jonathan Martin. “I was hoping that this would finally set the record straight on all the great shit I did to that Jmart loser, but it doesn’t even come close,” said Incognito, claiming that the independent report’s detailed descriptions of the racial slurs, homophobic taunts, and personal threats he directed toward Martin failed to do justice to the extent of his “totally hilarious” abuse. “I mean, I read the entire report, and they didn’t even mention the time I pissed in his Gatorade cup and then watched him drink it. And how about what me and [teammate Mike] Pouncey did to him while he was sleeping on that flight? Whoever wrote this garbage just wasn’t paying attention.” Incognito added that in order to “clear this whole thing up,” he was in the process of writing up a 680-page addendum to the Wells report that he hopes to release to the public later this week.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close