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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Rick Pitino Reminds Players Door To Sex Dungeon Always Open

LOUISVILLE, KY—Stressing the importance of improving communication between players and the coaching staff, University of Louisville basketball head coach Rick Pitino reminded his players Monday that the door to his sex dungeon is always open. “I just want you guys to know that I’m here to discuss any issues you might be having, so always feel free to come in, take a seat in one of the leather fuck swings, and tell me what’s on your mind,” said Pitino, adding that players can simply pop into his dark, candlelit pleasure lair unannounced if something is bothering them. “I’m usually around pretty late having my nipples clamped while my wrists are shackled to a bedpost, and even if it looks like I’m busy getting flogged and about to blow a huge load, don’t be shy about interrupting me. Whether it’s a concern that you have on the court or just something in your personal life that you want to talk about, I’ll always make time to unzip the ear slits of my black leather hood and hear you out.” At press time, sophomore Cardinals guard Quentin Snider was seen hesitating outside Pitino’s door, unsure whether to knock after hearing loud, piercing screams of ecstasy emanating from within.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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