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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Rick Pitino Reminds Players Door To Sex Dungeon Always Open

LOUISVILLE, KY—Stressing the importance of improving communication between players and the coaching staff, University of Louisville basketball head coach Rick Pitino reminded his players Monday that the door to his sex dungeon is always open. “I just want you guys to know that I’m here to discuss any issues you might be having, so always feel free to come in, take a seat in one of the leather fuck swings, and tell me what’s on your mind,” said Pitino, adding that players can simply pop into his dark, candlelit pleasure lair unannounced if something is bothering them. “I’m usually around pretty late having my nipples clamped while my wrists are shackled to a bedpost, and even if it looks like I’m busy getting flogged and about to blow a huge load, don’t be shy about interrupting me. Whether it’s a concern that you have on the court or just something in your personal life that you want to talk about, I’ll always make time to unzip the ear slits of my black leather hood and hear you out.” At press time, sophomore Cardinals guard Quentin Snider was seen hesitating outside Pitino’s door, unsure whether to knock after hearing loud, piercing screams of ecstasy emanating from within.

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