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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Rick Reilly Columns Increasingly Laden With Cries For Help

BRISTOL, CT—For the past six months, the columns and essays written by ESPN's Rick Reilly, including "Why Michael Vick Deserves Redemption More Than I Do," "The Hot Stove And Why I Want To Put My Head In It," and "Caddying For The Grim Reaper," have become increasingly punctuated by anguished appeals for someone to save him from himself, ESPN readers have noted. "It will be here at Augusta, where so much golf history has taken place and where I'd like to walk slowly into a water hazard until the placid blue water closes over me, leaving no trace that I was ever born," Reilly wrote in his column last week, a piece titled "When It's Gone, It's Gone" which deals with Tiger Woods' slump and Reilly's apparent wish for self-destruction. "And if he's doomed, if he disappears forever, you have to wonder if anyone would notice. Next week, I take Roger Clemens bowling and try to choke back the bile." Sources at ESPN said they have considered speaking to Reilly about his obvious personal problems, but decided against it after realizing Reilly's columns are the most engaging they've been in years.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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