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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Rick Reilly Columns Increasingly Laden With Cries For Help

BRISTOL, CT—For the past six months, the columns and essays written by ESPN's Rick Reilly, including "Why Michael Vick Deserves Redemption More Than I Do," "The Hot Stove And Why I Want To Put My Head In It," and "Caddying For The Grim Reaper," have become increasingly punctuated by anguished appeals for someone to save him from himself, ESPN readers have noted. "It will be here at Augusta, where so much golf history has taken place and where I'd like to walk slowly into a water hazard until the placid blue water closes over me, leaving no trace that I was ever born," Reilly wrote in his column last week, a piece titled "When It's Gone, It's Gone" which deals with Tiger Woods' slump and Reilly's apparent wish for self-destruction. "And if he's doomed, if he disappears forever, you have to wonder if anyone would notice. Next week, I take Roger Clemens bowling and try to choke back the bile." Sources at ESPN said they have considered speaking to Reilly about his obvious personal problems, but decided against it after realizing Reilly's columns are the most engaging they've been in years.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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