DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
COOPERSTOWN, NY—Baseball fans across the nation admitted to feeling "cheated" and "let down" by Rickey Henderson Sunday as the all-time stolen-base leader, known for his brash statements and bizarre turns of phrase, gave a humble and coherent Hall of Fame induction speech with overtones of humor and pathos. "He spoke pretty much like a normal human being," Oakland resident Darryl Kleinman said. "That’s not why I traveled across the country. I wanted him to get up there and, I don’t know, scream that he was the greatest athlete to ever grace God’s green earth, or announce that he was going to come back and play for the Nationals, or address the crowd in second person. Nobody wants to hear about how much he loves baseball." Fans across the nation were ultimately pleased when fellow inductee Jim Rice called the sportswriters in attendance "the biggest group of fuckos you will ever encounter."