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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Ricky Williams: 'I Can't Believe I Got Really Baked And Applied For Reinstatement Into The NFL'

MIAMI—After smoking three pinners, pulling five monster bong hits, and filling out his forms for reinstatement into the NFL Monday, suspended running back Ricky Williams told reporters he had no idea why he had decided to complete the League's complicated readmission paperwork immediately after getting stoned absolutely out of his mind. "Oh man, I probably shouldn't have gotten so fried," croaked the former Heisman Trophy winner, attempting to address reporters while making an effort to exhale as little as possible. "Do you think they knew I was high? I think they could tell. Shit, I hope they didn't notice, but I think they noticed when I got resin all over the application and then got it stuck to my forehead. I'm so busted. Again, man." Williams said he might go back inside and ask if he could re-reapply, as he was fairly certain he had repeatedly written the word "Why?" and drawn abstract pot-leaf patterns in the section marked "for office use only."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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