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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Ricky Williams: 'I Can't Believe I Got Really Baked And Applied For Reinstatement Into The NFL'

MIAMI—After smoking three pinners, pulling five monster bong hits, and filling out his forms for reinstatement into the NFL Monday, suspended running back Ricky Williams told reporters he had no idea why he had decided to complete the League's complicated readmission paperwork immediately after getting stoned absolutely out of his mind. "Oh man, I probably shouldn't have gotten so fried," croaked the former Heisman Trophy winner, attempting to address reporters while making an effort to exhale as little as possible. "Do you think they knew I was high? I think they could tell. Shit, I hope they didn't notice, but I think they noticed when I got resin all over the application and then got it stuck to my forehead. I'm so busted. Again, man." Williams said he might go back inside and ask if he could re-reapply, as he was fairly certain he had repeatedly written the word "Why?" and drawn abstract pot-leaf patterns in the section marked "for office use only."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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