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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Ricky Williams: 'I Can't Believe I Got Really Baked And Applied For Reinstatement Into The NFL'

MIAMI—After smoking three pinners, pulling five monster bong hits, and filling out his forms for reinstatement into the NFL Monday, suspended running back Ricky Williams told reporters he had no idea why he had decided to complete the League's complicated readmission paperwork immediately after getting stoned absolutely out of his mind. "Oh man, I probably shouldn't have gotten so fried," croaked the former Heisman Trophy winner, attempting to address reporters while making an effort to exhale as little as possible. "Do you think they knew I was high? I think they could tell. Shit, I hope they didn't notice, but I think they noticed when I got resin all over the application and then got it stuck to my forehead. I'm so busted. Again, man." Williams said he might go back inside and ask if he could re-reapply, as he was fairly certain he had repeatedly written the word "Why?" and drawn abstract pot-leaf patterns in the section marked "for office use only."

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