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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Ricky Williams: 'I'm Looking Forward To Being A Toronto Hydroponic'

MIAMI—Ricky Williams announced Monday that, instead of sitting out a year while serving his NFL substance-abuse suspension, he would "absolutely, totally, really, really, totally love to play with the Torontono [sic] Hydroponics" in the Canadian Football League in 2006. "It would be a great way for me to play some football, keep in shape, and show people I'm ready to play some football by getting some playing time in," Williams said in the 26-minute message he recorded during a 4 a.m. call to a Miami-area television station. "And that's not even—seriously, brah, you know that's not even getting into the football I could play there. For the fine people. People of Torino." If Williams' transfer to the CFL is approved, his one-year contract is expected to be worth U.S. $300,000 in cash and sandwiches.

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