Ricky Williams Most Lucid Dolphin On Field

In This Section

Vol 43 Issue 48

Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman

LOS ANGELES—"Running around firing indiscriminately into a crowd—now that's someone who doesn't have to wake up and go furniture shopping tomorrow," said Henderson.

D.C. Tops In AIDS

The District of Columbia has the highest AIDS rates in the country. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Originality

Ricky Williams Most Lucid Dolphin On Field

MIAMI—Ricky Williams, the troubled running back whose career has been marred by repeated drug-test failures and whose recent return to the NFL was met with speculation regarding his past marijuana use and current state of mind, is in fact the most mentally stable member of the Miami squad at this time, according to sources close to the team. "Ricky is totally focused on running the ball at this time, unlike our doubt-addled quarterback, our delusional head coach, and our punch-drunk defense," said a member of the Dolphins coaching staff, who also stated that "they are all out to get [him]"and asked not to be named. "Ricky's actually the only guy on this team who seems really mellow, laid-back, and relaxed, and also still has any appetite at all." Williams declined to comment on his mental state, instead inviting reporters into his apartment to just hang out, eat cheese corn, and play Katamari Damacy on his PlayStation.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More