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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Ricky Williams Most Lucid Dolphin On Field

MIAMI—Ricky Williams, the troubled running back whose career has been marred by repeated drug-test failures and whose recent return to the NFL was met with speculation regarding his past marijuana use and current state of mind, is in fact the most mentally stable member of the Miami squad at this time, according to sources close to the team. "Ricky is totally focused on running the ball at this time, unlike our doubt-addled quarterback, our delusional head coach, and our punch-drunk defense," said a member of the Dolphins coaching staff, who also stated that "they are all out to get [him]"and asked not to be named. "Ricky's actually the only guy on this team who seems really mellow, laid-back, and relaxed, and also still has any appetite at all." Williams declined to comment on his mental state, instead inviting reporters into his apartment to just hang out, eat cheese corn, and play Katamari Damacy on his PlayStation.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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