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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Right Guy To Fuck With Identified

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After having repeatedly been observed talking on the phone with his girlfriend, fumbling with a student-lounge vending machine, and eating egg-salad sandwiches, 20-year-old Indiana University student Winslow Fulbright was positively identified as the right guy to fuck with, acquaintances announced Tuesday. "We knew from the way he stared blankly at us when we asked him what brand maxi-pad he uses that we were not in any way about to make the biggest mistake of our lives," said sophomore Chad Irving, 19, who, along with two others, put salt in Fulbright’s Diet Coke, convinced him he’d lost all his Microsoft Word files, and incessantly mussed his hair yesterday. "We are absolutely confident that he’s the long sought-after ‘some schmuck’ who will take this shit lying down." When asked how long he was going to let the torment go on, Fulbright was interrupted every time he tried to respond.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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