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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Right Guy To Fuck With Identified

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After having repeatedly been observed talking on the phone with his girlfriend, fumbling with a student-lounge vending machine, and eating egg-salad sandwiches, 20-year-old Indiana University student Winslow Fulbright was positively identified as the right guy to fuck with, acquaintances announced Tuesday. "We knew from the way he stared blankly at us when we asked him what brand maxi-pad he uses that we were not in any way about to make the biggest mistake of our lives," said sophomore Chad Irving, 19, who, along with two others, put salt in Fulbright’s Diet Coke, convinced him he’d lost all his Microsoft Word files, and incessantly mussed his hair yesterday. "We are absolutely confident that he’s the long sought-after ‘some schmuck’ who will take this shit lying down." When asked how long he was going to let the torment go on, Fulbright was interrupted every time he tried to respond.

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