adBlockCheck

Right To Privacy Not Guaranteed By Constitution, Says Supreme Court Justice Peeking In Bathroom Window

Top Headlines

Politics

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Right To Privacy Not Guaranteed By Constitution, Says Supreme Court Justice Peeking In Bathroom Window

WESTON, FL—In a public ruling made this week while peering into the home of 28-year-old resident Laura Daltry, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito stated that "in no way whatsoever" is the right to privacy explicitly upheld by the U.S. Constitution.

Justice Samuel Alito ruled there is no constitutional obligation to ring your doorbell first.

"After careful consideration, it is this justice's finding that there is no specific mention of the right to privacy in any of the 27 amendments," Alito whispered, before furtively looking around and then jimmying Daltry's bathroom window ajar with a penknife. "A rigorous originalist interpretation of the pertinent statutory language has yielded the conclusion that privacy is not now, nor has it ever been, a federally protected liberty."

"Although modern tort law indicates four categories of privacy invasion, these amount to little more than a vague suggestion of the 'right to be left alone,'" Alito added, crawling through the narrow opening and slowly lowering himself onto Daltry's toilet tank. "Plus, if you rent a ground floor apartment, you're kind of asking for it."

The 1-0 decision, made by Alito after several scotch and sodas at a nearby bar, stipulated that a citizen does retain the personal rights unambiguously guaranteed by the Fourth and Fifth Amendments, specifically those pertaining to search and seizure. However, Alito said that the amendments' language does not unequivocally protect against high-level judiciary officials entering one's home and rifling through one's laundry hamper.

Justice Alito brands the garment's owner an <i>Amicus curiae</i>, or, "friend of the court."

Alito was also careful to point out several times that Supreme Court justices are appointed for life.

"No reading of the applicable statutes or legal precedents reveals the proceedings at hand to be unlawful or unconstitutional in any way," Alito said as he lightly ran his fingers over a tube of contraceptive foam he found in Daltry's medicine cabinet. "Additionally, there is no express mention of, or even reference to, 'Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito' in any of the amendments relevant to said proceedings."

"Christ, what on earth does this woman need with three boxes of Q-tips?" Alito continued, hiding behind the bathroom's shower curtain after he thought he heard a noise.

The associate justice has made similar rulings in the past during what he refers to as "emergency sessions." Alito's most notable case of this kind was decided in 2006, when he hastily found that "the U.S. Constitution does not specifically uphold the pursuit of happiness" after hitting an unidentified man with his car and speeding away.

Alito cited additional cases relating to his latest decision, including three pertaining to the current state of habeas corpus rights, and the landmark case of Souter v. Alpha Delta Pi Sorority, Michigan State University Chapter.

"The Constitution was intended by the framers to be malleable in order to accommodate for extraordinary wartime circumstances, and as such, certain personal and property rights cannot always be guaranteed," concluded Alito, breathing heavily through a pair of pink undergarments before concealing them in his robes. "If a party is in possession of certain items of interest that could be important to, uh...a federal investigation, then due process can be suspended and these items seized without first having to obtain a warrant or other writ."

Justice Alito was not available for further comment as Daltry had suddenly returned home and exercised her constitutionally protected Second Amendment rights.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close