Rigorous Battery Of Tests Unable To Determine If Roommate Broke Up With Girlfriend

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Vol 49 Issue 11

Splash

ABC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Louie Anderson, and other celebrities compete to see which one has the most mismanaged finances.

Saturday, March 23

There’s no Bloodmobile this week. Still have some left over from last time, matter of fact.

Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers

National Geographic 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT Moody teenage host Grant Brock takes you to a few aquatic locales only a gay idiot would be dumb enough to enjoy.

Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net

INDIAN WELLS, CA—In an interview following his 4-6, 6-4, 7-5 victory over Ernests Gulbis at the BNP Paribas Open, Spanish tennis player Rafael Nadal recounted hitting a shot during the second set Thursday that went super low over the net.

GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH), a leading conservative who was on Mitt Romney’s shortlist for vice president, announced the reversal of his longstanding position against same-sex marriage, saying he had a change of heart after his son came out to him two y...

NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt

The word 'innovate' is said over 24 million times at SXSW, NASA designers release a flirty new spaceskirt, and the next episode of 'Girls' to feature Lena Dunham shitting herself during gyno exam while eating a burrito.
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Pop Culture

Rigorous Battery Of Tests Unable To Determine If Roommate Broke Up With Girlfriend

NASHVILLE, TN—Local resident Darren Callahan, 26, told reporters Wednesday that even after administering a rigorous battery of diagnostic tests, he has been unable to definitively conclude whether his roommate Paul Elmaleh, 25, has broken up with his girlfriend. “I asked him what he was up to tonight—if he was going out later or if Abby was coming over,” Callahan said of the comprehensive examination that reportedly provided insufficient data despite its inclusion of general prompts such as “How’s it going?” and “Man, rough week, huh?” “But even after getting answers to all these questions, I still can’t tell what’s going on with him.” After further testing confirmed Elmaleh’s high levels of irritability, anger, and depression, Callahan concluded that his roommate had almost certainly not broken up with his girlfriend.

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