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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Rigorous Battery Of Tests Unable To Determine If Roommate Broke Up With Girlfriend

NASHVILLE, TN—Local resident Darren Callahan, 26, told reporters Wednesday that even after administering a rigorous battery of diagnostic tests, he has been unable to definitively conclude whether his roommate Paul Elmaleh, 25, has broken up with his girlfriend. “I asked him what he was up to tonight—if he was going out later or if Abby was coming over,” Callahan said of the comprehensive examination that reportedly provided insufficient data despite its inclusion of general prompts such as “How’s it going?” and “Man, rough week, huh?” “But even after getting answers to all these questions, I still can’t tell what’s going on with him.” After further testing confirmed Elmaleh’s high levels of irritability, anger, and depression, Callahan concluded that his roommate had almost certainly not broken up with his girlfriend.

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