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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Rigorous Battery Of Tests Unable To Determine If Roommate Broke Up With Girlfriend

NASHVILLE, TN—Local resident Darren Callahan, 26, told reporters Wednesday that even after administering a rigorous battery of diagnostic tests, he has been unable to definitively conclude whether his roommate Paul Elmaleh, 25, has broken up with his girlfriend. “I asked him what he was up to tonight—if he was going out later or if Abby was coming over,” Callahan said of the comprehensive examination that reportedly provided insufficient data despite its inclusion of general prompts such as “How’s it going?” and “Man, rough week, huh?” “But even after getting answers to all these questions, I still can’t tell what’s going on with him.” After further testing confirmed Elmaleh’s high levels of irritability, anger, and depression, Callahan concluded that his roommate had almost certainly not broken up with his girlfriend.

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