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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Rigorous Battery Of Tests Unable To Determine If Roommate Broke Up With Girlfriend

NASHVILLE, TN—Local resident Darren Callahan, 26, told reporters Wednesday that even after administering a rigorous battery of diagnostic tests, he has been unable to definitively conclude whether his roommate Paul Elmaleh, 25, has broken up with his girlfriend. “I asked him what he was up to tonight—if he was going out later or if Abby was coming over,” Callahan said of the comprehensive examination that reportedly provided insufficient data despite its inclusion of general prompts such as “How’s it going?” and “Man, rough week, huh?” “But even after getting answers to all these questions, I still can’t tell what’s going on with him.” After further testing confirmed Elmaleh’s high levels of irritability, anger, and depression, Callahan concluded that his roommate had almost certainly not broken up with his girlfriend.

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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

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