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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Riotous, Chanting Iowa State Fair Crowd Gathers For Annual Deep-Frying Of Virgin

DES MOINES, IA—Capping off the Iowa State Fair’s opening weekend with a much-beloved tradition, throngs of cheering fairgoers gathered in the Midway Sunday evening to witness the annual deep-frying of a virgin. “There’s something for everybody here at the fair, but the frying of the pure one is always a highlight,” said Iowa State Fair marketing director Lori Chappell, the crowd roaring as the dazed teenager was led to a platform where she was stripped nude, hog-tied, covered in butter and flour batter, and then dipped in a vat of boiling cooking oil. “They fattened this one up pretty good, so by the time we top her off with powdered sugar, cookie crumbles, and drizzle her with caramel, there’s gonna be 145 pounds of scrumptious deep-fried virgin-on-a-stick to go around. It’s a little rich for me, but kids love it.” Chappell added that this year’s Midway Play Packs include a bonus ticket to the inaugural widow roast.

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