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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Riotous, Chanting Iowa State Fair Crowd Gathers For Annual Deep-Frying Of Virgin

DES MOINES, IA—Capping off the Iowa State Fair’s opening weekend with a much-beloved tradition, throngs of cheering fairgoers gathered in the Midway Sunday evening to witness the annual deep-frying of a virgin. “There’s something for everybody here at the fair, but the frying of the pure one is always a highlight,” said Iowa State Fair marketing director Lori Chappell, the crowd roaring as the dazed teenager was led to a platform where she was stripped nude, hog-tied, covered in butter and flour batter, and then dipped in a vat of boiling cooking oil. “They fattened this one up pretty good, so by the time we top her off with powdered sugar, cookie crumbles, and drizzle her with caramel, there’s gonna be 145 pounds of scrumptious deep-fried virgin-on-a-stick to go around. It’s a little rich for me, but kids love it.” Chappell added that this year’s Midway Play Packs include a bonus ticket to the inaugural widow roast.

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