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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Riotous, Chanting Iowa State Fair Crowd Gathers For Annual Deep-Frying Of Virgin

DES MOINES, IA—Capping off the Iowa State Fair’s opening weekend with a much-beloved tradition, throngs of cheering fairgoers gathered in the Midway Sunday evening to witness the annual deep-frying of a virgin. “There’s something for everybody here at the fair, but the frying of the pure one is always a highlight,” said Iowa State Fair marketing director Lori Chappell, the crowd roaring as the dazed teenager was led to a platform where she was stripped nude, hog-tied, covered in butter and flour batter, and then dipped in a vat of boiling cooking oil. “They fattened this one up pretty good, so by the time we top her off with powdered sugar, cookie crumbles, and drizzle her with caramel, there’s gonna be 145 pounds of scrumptious deep-fried virgin-on-a-stick to go around. It’s a little rich for me, but kids love it.” Chappell added that this year’s Midway Play Packs include a bonus ticket to the inaugural widow roast.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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