Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen

SALEM, OR—The Alan Guttmacher Institute released a report Friday that showed a dramatic increase in teen sexual activity, a finding that surprised policy-makers, public-health professionals, and 17-year-old Tom Ellis.

Tom Ellis, who was surprised by statistics showing that other teens are having sex (below).

"So, more teens are having sex, are they?" Ellis asked Monday. "Well, I'm not sure where those guys got all their data, but it sure wasn't from me."

Ellis, a senior this fall at Sprague High School in Salem, learned of the trend while watching television at home Saturday, as he does most weekend nights. A 20/20 story titled "The Teen Sex Epidemic" informed him that 82.6 percent of his peers aged 15 to 19 have engaged in some form of sexual contact with another person.

"Really?" Ellis asked. "Eight out of 10 teens? There's an epidemic?"

While excited by the findings on teen sexuality, Ellis has yet to observe the increase in his own life.

"I mean, it's summer, and I can't help but notice all the girls wearing sexy dresses and tank tops and stuff," he said. "But, does that mean I'm one millimeter closer to getting some tail? No, sir."

"Doesn't matter that I've grown six inches this year, that I've been working out in my basement, or that I dress in Gap clothes, like everyone else," Ellis continued. "Girls like Kelly [Mehan] and Michelle [Lehrer] still totally ignore me. At this rate, I'll be lucky to French [kiss] a girl before college."

Sexual Activity Among Teens

Although teen sexual activity is on the rise, the Guttmacher report indicated that the teen pregnancy rate has dropped to a 13-year low.

"More teens are engaging in sex, but a larger percentage of them are doing so responsibly," said Dr. Jerry Kendall, a senior researcher for the Guttmacher Institute. "There's an increased access to and acceptance of proper contraceptives, mainly the condom, even among the disenfranchised teen population. An additional factor is the marked casualization of oral sex, which is often substituted for full intercourse."

"Really?!" Ellis asked. "Blow jobs? Well, that national trend hasn't spread to Salem yet, because I'm about one blow job shy of joining that statistic. It would take a miracle to get a girl to go down on me."

Ellis did confirm that he would use a condom if he were to have sex.

"You have sex, you wear a condom," said Ellis, who has practiced proper condom use alone in his bedroom. "At least that's what everybody says. I certainly wouldn't know from experience because, clearly, I'm a freak. I'm one of the pathetic 18 percent who still haven't even seen, much less touched, a naked breast. Well, rest assured: When and if I ever get the chance to have sex, I will definitely know how to put on a condom."

Teens who, unlike Ellis, are engaging in sexual activity.

Although Ellis has carefully documented his intense desire for a sexual encounter in his journal, that desire hasn't translated into sexual activity. Ellis insisted that this is not by choice.

"Hey, I'm not one of those weird abstinence kids," Ellis said. "There's nothing I would like better than to waste myself on the wrong girl. I just want to know: Where in the hell are all these millions of loose teenage girls? Because they certainly don't go to my school."

According to friend Doug Binder, Ellis' chances of joining the growing ranks of the sexually experienced are slim.

"Tom?" Binder asked. "He's doomed to virginity, just like me. But, hey, that doesn't stop us from talking and thinking about sex all the freaking time. For all our yapping about what we'd do if we were ever alone with a girl, neither of us is anywhere near getting some action."

Although he admitted he was startled by the report, Ellis said he remains hopeful for the future.

"I've still got two years to get laid and join the majority," Ellis said. "I mean, I've heard guys talking about all the girls they've slept with, but I thought they were just making it up. Turns out, everyone really was having sex all that time. Well, thanks, 20/20. Now I know what a complete loser I am."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close