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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Rising Star John Kerry's Stirring Speech Paves Way For 2016 Presidential Run

CHARLOTTE, NC—Rising Democratic star John Kerry took the stage at his party’s national convention Thursday night, delivering a rousing speech that many political insiders are saying may pave the way for the Massachusetts senator to make a formidable 2016 presidential run. “Sen. Kerry’s electrifying and thought-provoking address offered unique views on America’s place in the modern world and proves he is a force to be reckoned with in 2016,” said syndicated columnist and blogger Robert Eukel, who noted the up-and-coming politician showcased a unique ability to address both sides of the political divide, demonstrating his potential to become “the future of the Democratic party.” “His message really resonated with the audience and created the kind of energy and excitement the Democrats haven’t experienced in a long time. This guy has got it.” Political analysts are already comparing Kerry to former Florida governor Jeb Bush, whose invigorating speech at last week’s Republican National Convention has already been credited with helping to establish him as one of America’s most prominent conservative leaders.

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