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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Rising Star John Kerry's Stirring Speech Paves Way For 2016 Presidential Run

CHARLOTTE, NC—Rising Democratic star John Kerry took the stage at his party’s national convention Thursday night, delivering a rousing speech that many political insiders are saying may pave the way for the Massachusetts senator to make a formidable 2016 presidential run. “Sen. Kerry’s electrifying and thought-provoking address offered unique views on America’s place in the modern world and proves he is a force to be reckoned with in 2016,” said syndicated columnist and blogger Robert Eukel, who noted the up-and-coming politician showcased a unique ability to address both sides of the political divide, demonstrating his potential to become “the future of the Democratic party.” “His message really resonated with the audience and created the kind of energy and excitement the Democrats haven’t experienced in a long time. This guy has got it.” Political analysts are already comparing Kerry to former Florida governor Jeb Bush, whose invigorating speech at last week’s Republican National Convention has already been credited with helping to establish him as one of America’s most prominent conservative leaders.

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