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Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

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Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.
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Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—In what it is touting as "a fun, delicious new way to combat Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," Ritalin manufacturer Novartis unveiled Ritalin Gummis Monday. "Good news, parents: Controlling your kids' wandering attention spans and erratic, impulsive behavior just got yummier," said Novartis director of product development Charles Bentley. "Available in five fruity flavors, Ritalin Gummis will soon be available at pharmacies and Brach's Pick-A-Mix displays everywhere." If the product is successful, Novartis rival Eli Lilly said it will likely move forward with a tart, sugary antidepressant tentatively dubbed "Paxil Stix."

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