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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Rival Dojo In For Big Surprise At Regionals

ASHBURN, VA—Local 17-year-old Clint Hrabik, a second kyū brown belt at Ashburn Enshin Karate, issued a statement Wednesday indicating that rival dojo Falls Church Enshin Karate was in for a big surprise at regionals this year. “Sensei Nima and his students may think they’re the best dojo in northeastern Virginia, but they will soon learn they are quite mistaken; we’ve been doing things a little differently up here in Loudoun County,” said Hrabik, cryptically hinting that Ashburn’s Sensei Vlado has taught his second-place team “a little something” Falls Church won’t be expecting. “Let’s just put it this way: We’ve incorporated a very interesting new technique into our training. And Sensei has taught us well.” Region 2 AAU Karate championships will take place Dec. 1 at 2 p.m. in the Fairfax High School boys’ gymnasium.

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