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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Rival Dojo In For Big Surprise At Regionals

ASHBURN, VA—Local 17-year-old Clint Hrabik, a second kyū brown belt at Ashburn Enshin Karate, issued a statement Wednesday indicating that rival dojo Falls Church Enshin Karate was in for a big surprise at regionals this year. “Sensei Nima and his students may think they’re the best dojo in northeastern Virginia, but they will soon learn they are quite mistaken; we’ve been doing things a little differently up here in Loudoun County,” said Hrabik, cryptically hinting that Ashburn’s Sensei Vlado has taught his second-place team “a little something” Falls Church won’t be expecting. “Let’s just put it this way: We’ve incorporated a very interesting new technique into our training. And Sensei has taught us well.” Region 2 AAU Karate championships will take place Dec. 1 at 2 p.m. in the Fairfax High School boys’ gymnasium.

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