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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Rival PGA Hooligans Clash During Final Round Of Masters

AUGUSTA, GA—Gathering in large groups and vociferously chanting expletive-filled songs in support of their favorite players, several groups of rival PGA hooligans violently clashed at the Augusta National Golf Club during the final round of the Masters Sunday, sources confirmed. “They’re here every tournament waving banners and inciting trouble all over the course, but this year’s fights were particularly bad,” Augusta chairman Billy Payne told reporters, noting that the roving bands of die-hard golf enthusiasts left a trail of mayhem that included throwing garbage cans through the Augusta pro shop windows, overturning several ball washers and setting them on fire, and leaving various unfilled divots throughout the course. “Early in the day on the fifth hole, a group of Stewart Cink supporters tangled with some of the McIlroy Boys in a nasty brawl that spilled out from the gallery onto the green. Then someone from the Furyk Crew chucked a lit flare at Vijay Singh’s caddy, and at that point we just had to suspend play and call in the paddy wagon.” According to officials, this year’s fights were the worst since a vicious melee at the 2009 Masters in which dozens of berserk, intoxicated hooligans swarmed and savagely beat a defenseless Phil Mickelson into a coma.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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