adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

RNC Coverage: Morning In America

Good Morning, My Fellow Americans.

I come to you today from the City of Twins, St. Paul. We've all been through a lot in the past two weeks, none more than me. I've endured great pain, boredom, frustration. But I haven't complained once.

My editors phoned me this morning, here in my very own "Hanoi Hilton on the Mississippi." They asked if I wanted them to move up my flight time as I had requested in my early missive. Although I would benefit personally from such a move, I said no. I could not "Jump In Line" ahead of my countrymen also dying to leave this Torturous Timberland.

As I stare into the smudgey Motel room mirror, I see the red scars left from my combat on the streets in front of McDonalds. The Pepper Spray wounds no Visine could erase.

I also see the scars that are unseen, the scars inside that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my days. The inner tears I hold for cows that gave their lives for Big Macs that would never be eaten.

Looking into the mirror I also see a man who is older, wiser. I've grown these past two weeks. Grown in ways you could not understand without having experienced it yourself. That doesn't make me better than you, just more worldly. But don't worry, young ones, your days will come soon enough...

I'm proud to have had the chance to teach the people how it works out here in the "Real World."† Immersed in your own lives, Television programs and who-knows-what, you can't know the feeling of being an arm's length from Power, Fame, and The Things That Matter.

Whether Barracks Obama's Hopeful Message of Audacity or John McCain's Inspiring Tale of Crashing His Plane in the Jungles of Vietnam, this is where the action is—alas, where you are not.

I ask nothing in return for my sacrifice. But behold this gift of grace, surely a reward from our Devine Father:

This VHS copy of "An American President" was meant for me, meant for my cherished VHS Library. While stumbling home in pain, hunched over and weeping like a child, I was somehow able to see through my wall of tears this—this Godsend—waiting for me on the side of the street. There was a large black Hefty bag which† had been ripped open by perhaps a homeless person or a wild Minnesota Badger. Or maybe it was a Higher Power that ripped open that Hefty bag, allowing some of it's contents to spill out onto the sidewalk.

Although the cover was partially covered by old chicken bones, banana peel, and a crumpled Kleenex, I immediately spotted the sheen of Stone-Romancer Michael Douglas's mane and swept down to rescue the tape from the pile of refuse.

This election is perhaps the Most Critical Election in our lifetimes. That's not something we say every four years, either: right now is make or break for the U S of A. To whom will you turn?

Personally, I'm not interested in a Democratic President or a Republican President. I'm interested in "An American President." I've got a few hours before I need to leave for the airport, and I intend to use them right here with the VCR in my room.

As the curtain fades on the American Political Conventions of 2008, let me just add that I still believe in the Shining City of Twins on the Hill. And that city is America.

Thank you and God Bless.

Signing off,

Kelly

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close