adBlockCheck

RNC Coverage: Morning In America

Top Headlines

Recent News

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

RNC Coverage: Morning In America

Good Morning, My Fellow Americans.

I come to you today from the City of Twins, St. Paul. We've all been through a lot in the past two weeks, none more than me. I've endured great pain, boredom, frustration. But I haven't complained once.

My editors phoned me this morning, here in my very own "Hanoi Hilton on the Mississippi." They asked if I wanted them to move up my flight time as I had requested in my early missive. Although I would benefit personally from such a move, I said no. I could not "Jump In Line" ahead of my countrymen also dying to leave this Torturous Timberland.

As I stare into the smudgey Motel room mirror, I see the red scars left from my combat on the streets in front of McDonalds. The Pepper Spray wounds no Visine could erase.

I also see the scars that are unseen, the scars inside that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my days. The inner tears I hold for cows that gave their lives for Big Macs that would never be eaten.

Looking into the mirror I also see a man who is older, wiser. I've grown these past two weeks. Grown in ways you could not understand without having experienced it yourself. That doesn't make me better than you, just more worldly. But don't worry, young ones, your days will come soon enough...

I'm proud to have had the chance to teach the people how it works out here in the "Real World."† Immersed in your own lives, Television programs and who-knows-what, you can't know the feeling of being an arm's length from Power, Fame, and The Things That Matter.

Whether Barracks Obama's Hopeful Message of Audacity or John McCain's Inspiring Tale of Crashing His Plane in the Jungles of Vietnam, this is where the action is—alas, where you are not.

I ask nothing in return for my sacrifice. But behold this gift of grace, surely a reward from our Devine Father:

This VHS copy of "An American President" was meant for me, meant for my cherished VHS Library. While stumbling home in pain, hunched over and weeping like a child, I was somehow able to see through my wall of tears this—this Godsend—waiting for me on the side of the street. There was a large black Hefty bag which† had been ripped open by perhaps a homeless person or a wild Minnesota Badger. Or maybe it was a Higher Power that ripped open that Hefty bag, allowing some of it's contents to spill out onto the sidewalk.

Although the cover was partially covered by old chicken bones, banana peel, and a crumpled Kleenex, I immediately spotted the sheen of Stone-Romancer Michael Douglas's mane and swept down to rescue the tape from the pile of refuse.

This election is perhaps the Most Critical Election in our lifetimes. That's not something we say every four years, either: right now is make or break for the U S of A. To whom will you turn?

Personally, I'm not interested in a Democratic President or a Republican President. I'm interested in "An American President." I've got a few hours before I need to leave for the airport, and I intend to use them right here with the VCR in my room.

As the curtain fades on the American Political Conventions of 2008, let me just add that I still believe in the Shining City of Twins on the Hill. And that city is America.

Thank you and God Bless.

Signing off,

Kelly

See Kelly's Editorial Cartoons Here

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close