RNC Coverage: SOS

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Content From 2008-09-05

RNC Coverage: Red Meat

The crowd has grown significantly larger, and rather rambunctious. There's a lot of hollering going on and I can't make heads nor tails of it....

RNC Coverage: Playing "Ruff"

Boy, there are a lot of people outside the convention today. It's almost like they're having a convention of people who didn't get into the...

RNC Coverage: More Of The Same

I left the very "UN-X-CELLENT" X-Cel Center via the West Exit for once (didn't really have a choice in the matter, thanks to the Gestapo they've...

Extreme Foreclosure: Home Edition

ABC 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT In this tear-jerking program sponsored by Countrywide Financial, needy families are sent on a weeklong vacation while their neighbors rally together to repossess their home and belongings.

RNC Coverage: Lady Liberty

Getting a late start. My plan worked like a charm yesterday: After putting in an early day's work covering things at the Con, I made...

Drop It Like It's Hot

VH1 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Contestants drop various non-heated objects like a cucumber, a checkbook, and a roll of paper towels as if those objects would burn them.

Shaun White Has Xtremely Lazy Day

CARLSBAD, CA—Sources close to Shaun White confirm that the snowboarder spent an Xtremely lazy day in bed Wednesday, lethargically performing...

Brett Favre Getting That Retirement Itch Again

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Although veteran Jets quarterback Brett Favre claims he still loves the game, dwindling enthusiasm and a desire to bow out while on top has him contemplating retirement again, Favre confirmed Monday. "I...

Viking at Packers

Monday Night Football opens its 2008 season with a combination rivalry and identity crisis.
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RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

RNC Coverage: SOS

Was hit with "Pepper Spray" by Police! Burned my eyes out! Can't wait to leave this sewer of a town, the town of Republicans! Editors, if you are out there reading this, please change my flight—I need emergency evacuation! Have been pouring water on my face for hours. It burns!

Was nearly through the crowd and at the door to the McDonalds when I was suddenly showered with burning chemical agent. No one was there for me … I was abandoned by my Country, after all I had done for it in the name of Freedom.

I now know what it feels like for our wounded veterans to come home and be ignored and neglected. I didn't even make it past the golden arches for a 99 cents meal. All that value… lost.

How I wish there was a helicopter that could swoop down and airlift me off the roof of this Flea Bag Motel just like those lucky ones in Saigon in '75. I can't get out – CAN'T GET OUT!

Editors, LISTEN TO ME! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

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