NEW YORK—At a loss as to how they could emerge from a weekend of regular-season football without any fresh insight whatsoever, ashamed and humbled members of the sports media admitted to the public Tuesday that they learned absolutely nothing from week 11 of the NFL season.
PORTLAND, OR—ESPN.com baseball columnist Rob Neyer has announced the formula for a new statistic which compares and contrasts his own disillusionment with the sport of baseball against that felt by his fellow sabermetricians. "It's called Baseball Fatigue Average, or 'BFA,' and it's the most comprehensive anti-baseball stat out there," said Neyer in a chat session in which he also argued the meaninglessness of the run batted in."It takes into account the extreme importance given to the walk, coincidentally the least interesting part of the sport, and factors in the sheer randomness of the game and how little effect players ultimately have upon the outcome. Even the Crack Of The Bat Quotient and the Smell Of The Freshly Cut Grass Under A Cloudless Robin's-Egg-Blue Sky On A Warm Spring Afternoon Index are not enough to counteract the effects of BFA. And the best part is, you don't have to watch a single ennui-producing pitch of Major League Baseball to figure out how little you like it." Neyer announced he will now turn his attention to reducing the abstract concept of "fun" down to a single significant digit.