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Rob Neyer Invents Statistic To Measure Own Disenchantment With Baseball

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Rob Neyer Invents Statistic To Measure Own Disenchantment With Baseball

PORTLAND, OR—ESPN.com baseball columnist Rob Neyer has announced the formula for a new statistic which compares and contrasts his own disillusionment with the sport of baseball against that felt by his fellow sabermetricians. "It's called Baseball Fatigue Average, or 'BFA,' and it's the most comprehensive anti-baseball stat out there," said Neyer in a chat session in which he also argued the meaninglessness of the run batted in."It takes into account the extreme importance given to the walk, coincidentally the least interesting part of the sport, and factors in the sheer randomness of the game and how little effect players ultimately have upon the outcome. Even the Crack Of The Bat Quotient and the Smell Of The Freshly Cut Grass Under A Cloudless Robin's-Egg-Blue Sky On A Warm Spring Afternoon Index are not enough to counteract the effects of BFA. And the best part is, you don't have to watch a single ennui-producing pitch of Major League Baseball to figure out how little you like it." Neyer announced he will now turn his attention to reducing the abstract concept of "fun" down to a single significant digit.

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