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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Robbie Knievel Jumps Entire Generation's Awareness

BUTTE, MT—In his most dangerous and ambitious feat to date, motorcycle stuntman Robbie Knievel, the 44-year-old son of 1970s daredevil megastar Evel Knievel, has safely soared over the attention of nearly every single American between the ages of 13 and 31.

"After having shattered all of my father's records, I knew I had to do something spectacular that he would not have been able to pull off in his wildest dreams," said Knievel, whose recent A&E reality-show stunt also landed him clean on the other side of most major nationwide demographics.

"But I never could have done it without the millions and millions of young people who either have no idea I exist or are only vaguely aware of my last name." Experts warned that if Knievel continues to attempt demographic jumps of this size, it could end his career.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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