Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Robed Mark Warner Infiltrates Secret Torchlit AHCA Ceremony Deep In Woods Behind Capitol

WASHINGTON—Staring in horror at the profane legislative ritual taking place around him, a robed Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly infiltrated congressional Republicans’ secret, torchlit American Health Care Act ceremony deep in the woods behind the U.S. Capitol late Tuesday night. “I heard this eerie chanting as I left my office, and when I followed the sound I saw a line of GOP senators in long, flowing vestments being led into the forest by Mitch McConnell,” said Warner, explaining that he quickly donned an extra robe he found behind a tree and then quietly fell in formation at the rear of the column of conservative lawmakers in hopes of catching a glimpse of their mysterious health policy deliberations. “Eventually we reached a clearing where the senators started dancing around a bonfire while repeating in unison the list of all preexisting conditions that would no longer be covered under the new law. And all the while, McConnell kept exalting the name of the AHCA, praising it as the ‘great upper-class tax cutter’ and ‘slayer of Medicaid’ while waving the pages of the draft bill overhead. It was terrifying.” Warner added that he had to place his hand over his mouth to keep from screaming during the ceremony’s conclusion when Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) and Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) reportedly dragged out a bound and gagged low-income woman on birth control and threw her onto the bonfire as a sacrifice to the legislation.

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