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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Robert Kraft On Tom Brady: 'I'd Prefer If He'd Stay For The Entire Night'

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots owner Robert Kraft told reporters Thursday that he would prefer it if Tom Brady would sleep by his side for the entire night instead of leaving before Kraft wakes up. "Sometimes Tom and I will be so happy in each other's arms, but then he always makes some excuse about how he's got a busy day tomorrow and then suddenly he's gone at like three in the morning," said Kraft, insisting that he did not want to say anything that would push his starting quarterback away. "I know T-Bone is really busy, but I just want to be a part of his life. It hurts when you're looking forward to spooning someone and he's not around. It's not much fun eating breakfast in bed all by yourself." The owner reportedly expressed concern that Brady refused to spend the night because Kraft could never give him a baby.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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