Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

Robert Mueller Dreading Returning From 2-Month European Vacation To Start Russia Investigation

COLLODI, ITALY—Sipping from a glass of wine at a small outdoor café in a small Tuscan hill town, Special Counsel Robert Mueller confirmed Tuesday that he was feeling dread about returning from his two-month European vacation to start the investigation into Russia meddling in the 2016 presidential campaign. “I’ve been pushing it all to the back of my mind and trying to relax, because I know that when I get back I’ll be slammed with a ton of annoying phone calls, emails, and paperwork,” said Mueller, who reportedly has been touring Italian vineyards for the past two weeks after completing a sailing expedition through the Greek isles in a “much-needed escape” from Washington, D.C. before beginning his probe into potential collusion between Russia and the Trump presidential campaign. “I took a quick peek at my phone the other day, and I had 1,200 unread messages. God, I don’t want to go back. I know the work is just going to keep piling up the longer I put it off, but it’s heaven here. I never want to leave.” At press time, Mueller was rescheduling his return flight back to America to fit in a few days of scuba diving and parasailing in the French Riviera.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.